We all want to have great relationships with those we like and love. The problem is that human relationships are challenging. Sometimes, it is hard to know where to begin to make our relationships better.
The good news is that if you follow certain basic rules, you can improve your relationships. Interestingly, none of these rules involves a lot of time, effort or money. Instead, they require simple shifts in attitude. What is remarkable to me is that these basic attitude changes have the power to dramatically improve our relationships. I dare say that they have the power to prevent divorce and broken friendships.
I encourage you to apply the four rules below to your own relationships and see how they improve!
1. For Better Relationships, Bring Something of Value to the Table
If you want to have good relationships with other people, you need to bring something of value to the table. I’m not talking about something of monetary value. I am referring to ensuring that your presence improves the lives of others in some appreciable way.
For example, we bring something of value to our relationships when we encourage others. We also bring value when we show genuine interest in other people. That is how we show people that we care about them. If we only complain and talk about ourselves, then we aren’t bringing anything of value to our relationships.
Of course, we typically don’t take this perspective with our relationships. Most people are concerned about what others are doing for them. And then, they whine, complain and pout, if they aren’t getting what they want from other people.
But that is the wrong perspective. If you want to have great relationships, don’t ask folks why they aren’t doing more for you. Instead, ask yourself, “How am I benefitting those who I like and love?”
2. Stop Talking and Listen
It is understandable that in our closest relationships, we want to feel “heard.” We want to be understood. That is a natural human desire. The problem is that we have to balance our desire to be heard with the other person’s desire to be heard. And that requires us to stop talking sometimes and just listen.
This rule is particularly true in our relationships with our children. For example, often as parents, we think our job is to correct our children when they misbehave. And that is true. But correction is only the beginning. The second step of the process is to listen to your child. Because typically, misbehavior is the result of your child being upset about something.
I learned this early on when raising my daughter. Generally, when she was being difficult, it was because something had upset her at school. And if I simply corrected the bad behavior without getting to the heart of the matter, I only would have done 50% of my job as a parent. Instead, I needed to stop and listen. I needed to ask some open-ended questions to get to why she was acting badly. And that is when my real parenting occurred.
So, if you want to have better relationships, don’t just be a good talker! Be a good listener.
3. Be Independent
There are two words in the English language that should be used sparingly – “Can you…?” If you really want to have great relationships, don’t burden others with requests. Be as independent as possible.
For example, my husband and I never use the words, “Can you…?” We both are busy people. As a result, neither one of us wants to burden the other with tasks. So, neither one of us tries to foist tasks on the other. That would leave us both feeling annoyed. Instead, we both work hard, and we meet our own obligations.
Interestingly, I’ve found that are two types of people in this world: There are those who ask for help only when they can’t figure something out. There is nothing wrong with asking for help in that type of situation.
And then there are those folks who ask for help because it makes them feel like they have “staff.” They foolishly think that by getting people to do stuff for them, that makes them important. Don’t be that person. No one is going to think that you are important. People will just think that you are irritating.
So, pride yourself on being independent. Better yet, be the person who rarely asks for help, but instead is the individual who always steps in to give it!
4. Choose Your Words Carefully
Our words are powerful. They have the power to build up our relationships or destroy them. There is a silly old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Poorly chosen words not only can hurt, but they can destroy our relationships.
I can assure you that poorly chosen words can destroy a marriage. They can end a relationship between a parent and their child. The reality of life is that if you choose to speak cruelly to others, most folks will no longer deal with you.
So, if you want to improve your relationships, choose your words wisely. Use them to build people up with a well-chosen compliment. Inspire others to achieve their goals with words of encouragement. Tell people how much you love them.
In fact, you always want to choose your words carefully, because you have no idea if those words will be your last to someone. For example, I have a friend whose mom was berating her dad in the car one day. Shortly after that car ride, her dad had a heart attack and died. I am sure her mom wishes that she could take back those words from the car ride. Most assuredly, she wishes that her last words to her husband were ones of kindness, not criticism.
So, take great care when you speak to people. The most effective way to improve your relationships is to speak words of encouragement, comfort and kindness over those you love. Build folks up, and see your relationships blossom in return!
As you can see, by making simply changes in your attitude and approach, you can change your relationships for the better. Follow the above relationship rules, and watch your relationships thrive! (To read more about ways to improve your relationships, click here.)
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