Are you too hard on yourself? Do you beat yourself up for even the smallest errors in judgment? Do you dwell on mistakes that you made years ago? If you do, realize that those negative thoughts are keeping you from being happy and successful. To eliminate those thoughts, you need to tap into the power of self-compassion.
When you treat yourself with compassion, you stop expecting yourself to be perfect. Instead, you accept that you’ll make mistakes from time to time, and you love yourself anyway.
The problem with being too hard on yourself is that it will not drive you to be better. That is a fallacy. Instead, when we are too hard on ourselves, we become inhibited. We are so fearful of making mistakes, that we don’t try to do anything.
For example, we may not pursue a relationship for fear of being rejected. Or we may not try to start a business because we don’t want to fail. Essentially, we live life cautiously so that we don’t make any mistakes.
Self-compassion allows you to get out of the Fear Zone. When we practice self-compassion, we are willing to try new things, and even make a few mistakes! We are OK with being imperfect. And ultimately, that allows us to lead fuller, happier lives.
Below are ways to start practicing self-compassion. Adopt some of these approaches, and see how much happier and more successful you can be!
Practice Self-Compassion by Viewing Yourself as A Good Parent Would
If you are too hard on yourself, try viewing yourself as if you were a good parent. Would a good parent love their child any less if their child was imperfect? Of course not. Good parents love their children, warts and all.
For example, I adore my daughter. To me, she is an amazing, fascinating, brilliant young woman. If she has faults, they are irrelevant to me. If she makes mistakes, I view them as part of the experience of growing up. All I can see is how fantastic she is!
You need to learn to view yourself in the same way. I’m not suggesting that you be arrogant, and think that you are better than other people. Rather, you need to stop dwelling on your mistakes and imperfections. Instead, you need to focus on all the wonderful things that are great about you – just like a good parent would.
Learn to Like Yourself
Often, we don’t like ourselves because we play the comparison game. Instead of being happy with our looks, brains and accomplishments, we compare ourselves to others. And if we aren’t as beautiful, smart or successful as someone else, we think that we’ve failed.
That is wrong-headed thinking. Instead, we need to practice self-compassion. We need to stop measuring ourselves against others. Instead, we need to learn to like ourselves and appreciate our unique gifts and talents.
For instance, you shouldn’t look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I don’t look like Kendall Jenner, so therefore, I’m not pretty enough.” Or, “I don’t look like Brad Pitt, so I’m not handsome enough.” Those are silly ways of thinking.
When you look in the mirror, frankly, you shouldn’t think of anyone else at all. You instead should look at yourself and appreciate all the wonderful things about you. For instance, you may have great hair or an engaging smile. Or, you may be terrific at math, or you may be a hard worker.
So, stop the comparison game. Treat yourself with compassion. Focus on the things that are great about you, and learn to like yourself!
Practice Self-Compassion by Pacing Yourself
Often, we set impossible goals for ourselves. We try to do 26 hours of work in a 24-hour day. Or, we try to accomplish Big Goals in an unrealistic time frame. And when we don’t accomplish as much as we’d planned, we beat ourselves up over it.
To practice self-compassion, you need to remember the old adage, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” That means that difficult tasks require time to complete. And there is nothing wrong with that!
The reality is that some days you’ll get a lot done. And on other days, you may feel under the weather. Or an unexpected issue may come up, and you just won’t be able to do as much as you thought you would.
And sometimes life gets in the way. For example, it is hard to accomplish a lot when you are raising kids. When I was a full-time mom, being a mother was my first priority. So, my career took a backseat to motherhood. And for many years, I felt badly that I wasn’t accomplishing much professionally.
And then one day, I decided that I was going to practice self-compassion and give myself a break. I decided that choosing to focus on motherhood when my daughter was young was a good choice. And if that choice meant that my career was delayed a bit, that was just fine!
So, the lesson is to pace yourself. Do your best and be satisfied with that. Set reasonable timetables for yourself, and accomplish what you can. When we show ourselves compassion, we are happy with doing our best – whatever that may be.
Develop the Compassion Habit with Yourself – and Others
If you truly want to learn how to be compassionate with yourself, you need to learn to be a compassionate person, generally. That means you need to stop being so hard on yourself – and on other people, as well.
I gave up being judgmental of others a long time ago. Every time I feel like being critical, I think of my greatest failures and regrets, and very quickly I realize that I am no better than anyone else.
The truth is that not one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all do things that we regret.
Other folks need us to forgive them for their mistakes. And they need us to focus on their best qualities. When you develop the Compassion Habit, you extend that goodwill to others – and to yourself.
So, this week, consider using the above approaches to practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. And learn to love the wonderful person that you are! (To learn about how to get over feeling “not good enough,” click here.)
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