How to Use Detachment in Challenging Relationships to Protect Your Peace

Unfortunately, in life, we occasionally have to deal with difficult people. Some of these folks are self-absorbed, so at times, they can behave in an inconsiderate or selfish manner. Others are unkind, and it’s in their nature to be mean on occasion.  The challenge is that difficult people are everywhere.  They’re in our families, our workplaces and society at large.  So, to be happy in life, you have to figure out how to deal with these folks.  And the most effective way to deal with difficult people is to practice detachment.

Realize that detachment is powerful.  In fact, I think it’s so powerful that if detachment was a religion, I’d be its most ardent follower.  That’s because detachment is the one way that you can protect your peace of mind in a world full of problematic people.

Now let me be clear: When you detach from other people, that doesn’t mean that you stop caring about them.  For instance, I can be detached from you, and yet I can still love you and care about your welfare.  What detachment allows me to do is to not be affected by your behavior.

Because what other people say and do shouldn’t affect us.  Now, I’ll concede that difficult folks try to affect others.  They’ll say provocative things to upset people.   Or they’ll do insane things to draw attention to themselves.  Some even throw the adult version of a temper tantrum in order to get their way.  And here’s the truth of the matter:  It’s their right to do so!

But it’s our right to emotionally detach from difficult people and be unaffected by their unpleasant behavior. 

Below are ways that you can do just that. Tap into the power of detachment!  Detachment is truly the most effective way to maintain your peace when confronted with difficult people.

Detach by Separating Yourself Emotionally from Difficult People

The key to detaching from difficult people is to emotionally separate yourself from them. The best way to do that is to not emotionally react to their behavior, but rather to simply observe their behavior.  When we merely observe others, we don’t have an emotional connection to what they are doing or saying. 

Now, I’ll concede that achieving that kind of emotional detachment is a challenge!  The reason is that difficult people aren’t always difficult.  Rather, most difficult people are difficult on occasion.  So, difficult people will be delightful some of the time.  And when they are delightful, we get lulled into a false sense of security.  And we forget that at some point, when we least expect it, they will choose to be rude or difficult!

For instance, let’s say that you have a friend named Bruce who seems like he is a mentally together kind of guy.  You’ll think to yourself, “Hey!  Bruce is normal.  I absolutely can trust him to behave in a reasonable manner at all times.”  And so, you open yourself up emotionally to Bruce. But then out of the blue, for no reason at all, Bruce will do or say something that’s absolutely demented. 

Why does seemingly normal Bruce do or say something crazy for no apparent reason?  Well, unfortunately difficult, screwed up people will do and say crazy things on occasion.  They can’t help themselves.  And the only way to keep your peace when dealing with them is to emotionally detach from them.

What’s most important to remember is that Bruce’s demented behavior is not your fault.  So, certainly don’t take his behavior personally!  Don’t say to yourself, “Wow, Bruce is really acting like lunatic.  I wonder if I did something to upset Bruce.”  Trust me.  You didn’t do anything to upset Bruce.  Bruce is simply a difficult person.

So, the key to dealing with Bruce (or any difficult person) is to just observe their behavior. Don’t be provoked by their actions or comments. Just watch them, like you would watch a movie. When you do so, you then can remain at peace, in the midst of another person’s chaos.

Focus on Yourself, Not on Changing Difficult People

Detachment is all about detaching from what you cannot control.  And here’s a news flash: You can’t control other people.  In fact, after decades of life experience, I’d argue that even your influence over other people is far more limited than you’d think.

I know from personal experience that you can try to reason with people to get them to behave properly, and you won’t get anywhere with it.  Why?  Well, other folks have to be self-motivated to operate decently.  They aren’t going to operate properly just because you say, “Hey, you know, being a kind, decent human being is really a good idea!” 

So, given that our influence over others is nil, it makes sense to simply detach yourself from hope that you can influence others to act properly.  Detach yourself from the belief that you can influence your spouse, your family or your co-workers to become better human beings.  You can’t. You simply don’t have that power. 

Why can’t we influence others to be kind and decent? Well, because free will is a double-edged sword. It allows us to choose to be very good or very bad, depending on our predilection. Now I’ll concede that you may occasionally inspire someone to be a better human being.  But again, it will be their choice to follow your lead. 

So, detach from the idea that you are going to change other human beings.  Instead, use your time wisely by focusing on yourself!  Work on being the most amazing human being that you can be.  Be kind to all.  Be exceedingly generous.  Encourage others at every opportunity.  Do all those things, not because you want to change other people or influence their behavior.  Do all those things for the sheer joy of being an exceptional person.

And then detach yourself from belief that you can change the difficult people of this world.  That false belief will lead to nothing but aggravation and will steal your peace.

Let Go of Outcomes

One way that we lose our peace is by worrying about our relationships with difficult people.  We ask ourselves, “What will happen?”  “Can I someday have good relationships with my difficult children?”  “Is my marriage with my crazy spouse going to work out, or will it end in divorce?”  “If I really give my problematic colleagues my best effort, will we start to get along better?”  Our list of worries about the future of our relationships with difficult people can be long.

Realize that those worries steal our peace.  That’s why we have to detach ourselves from the need for our relationships to work out in one way or another.  We need to let go of the need for a particular outcome for any relationship.

What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s far better to focus my energy on planting good “seeds” in my relationships with other people.  Those seeds are kind, considerate behavior.  And then I sit back and see if and how those seeds grow.

In fact, over the years, I’ve tried to plant good seeds in all my relationships. Now some of those good seeds have born good fruit. And as a result, I have some wonderful relationships with other people. 

And sadly, some of the seeds I’ve planted didn’t amount to much of anything!  My kindness and consideration have not always paid off in better relationships, especially with difficult people.  And that’s OK!  Because I’m not attached to the outcome of the seeds that I plant.  Of course, I hope that they’ll bear good fruit, but they don’t always do so.

The reality is that your actions won’t always lead to your desired outcomes in your relationships.  And if you become upset and lose your peace because your kindness and generosity aren’t always reciprocated, you’ll be upset a lot of the time. Sadly, not everyone returns kindness with kindness in this world.

So, detach from your desire to have certain outcomes for your relationships.  Keep your peace. Detach from the expectation that you singlehandedly can transform difficult people and problematic relationships. You simply can’t. The reality is that your relationships with difficult people may never become better, no matter how much effort you expend.

Practice Self-Awareness

In order to practice detachment, we have to be self-aware.  Specifically, we need to be aware of when we are having feelings of attachment.  And then we need to intentionally work to detach ourselves from whatever we’re attached to.

For instance, when dealing with difficult people, we often have unrealistic expectations of those people.  We expect that they’ll be polite.  Or kind.  We hope that they’ll be thoughtful.  And we get attached to the idea that the difficult people should operate in polite, kind and thoughtful ways, when that isn’t their deal.

So, the key is to be self-aware.  Be aware of when you are becoming improperly attached to how you think a difficult person should act.  When we have that kind of attachment, we become unnecessarily disappointed because we want difficult people to act in a way that isn’t in their nature.

I know that in my own life, I’ve been attached to the idea that people should always be kind and thoughtful.  And I’ve had to let go of that attachment.  The reality is that some people in this world can be kind and thoughtful.  And sadly, some are unkind and thoughtless.  That’s who they are.  And accepting that fact is important.

So, I’ve become self-aware in this regard.  I recognize that my attachment to having others behave in a kind, thoughtful and considerate manner is a profoundly bad idea!  As a result, as soon as those attachment emotions creep in, I stop myself.  I say to myself, “That person is difficult.  S/he will say and do unkind things, and that’s just something that I have to accept about them.   That’s who they are.”

The key is to be self-aware enough to recognize when you are having unhealthy attachments.  When you are attached to difficult people behaving in a reasonable manner, that’s an unhealthy attachment!  So, learn to detach from any expectations you have of difficult people, and free yourself from unnecessary disappointments.

Limit Interaction if Necessary

Sometimes, in order to detach from a difficult person, you have to create space between you and that person, whether it’s reducing your time with that person or eliminating that person altogether from your life.  Admittedly, we can feel guilty when we do that.  We think that it’s mean to not engage with people.  However, nothing could be further from the truth!

The reality is that if people really want to be in your life, they’ll be pleasant.  And if they’re unpleasant, that means that having a relationship with you isn’t all that important to them.  So, why not simply limit or end your interaction with people who don’t value you?

In fact, to create a wonderful life, it’s critical that you minimize your time with difficult people.  That means that if your parents or adult children are difficult and unkind, you may need to limit your time with them.  Similarly, if your spouse chooses to be difficult and a problem, then you may need to get divorced.  And if you’re at a job with extremely difficult people, you may need to find new employment.

All of that may sound harsh.  But is it?  Because if people really like and value you, they won’t be difficult.  Sure, they may be difficult once in a blue moon.  After all, everyone has an off day.  But for the most part, the folks who value you will make an effort to be consistently pleasant and easy-going with you. 

Alternatively, you might look at your difficult relationships this way: “What’s more important?  John’s or Judy’s need to be difficult?  Or my peace of mind?”  Let me be clear: Your peace of mind is more important that anything or anyone. 

So, make your peace of mind your top priority.  Choose to detach from people who are difficult.  Give yourself some space from them.  That space can be temporary or permanent.  But most importantly, decide that your peace of mind comes first and before everyone else.

Learning how to detach from difficult people can take time.  However, the good news is that the more you learn to detach, the easier it becomes to deal with your difficult relationships.  And once you master detachment, will have the peaceful life you desire. (To read about developing a calm mind, click here.)