As children, we are taught to seek validation from others. And when we are small, that is a good thing! The adults in our lives are able to tell us when we are making good choices (Good job eating your green beans!), versus bad ones (Don’t touch the hot stove!). Getting adult approval makes sense during our younger years. But once we are adults, we need to learn to stop seeking validation from others.
The problem with needing validation from others is that it will inhibit you from living an authentic life. For example, let’s say that you love working with wood, and your ideal job is to be a carpenter. But your family values the white-collar professions. If you need their validation, you’ll end up being an accountant and be miserable, instead of pursuing a career that you’d love.
The other problem is that when we need the validation of others, we also allow others to control our self-esteem. If you only are happy with yourself if others like you and approve of you, then you’ll live your life on an emotional roller coaster. If people respond favorably to you, then you’ll feel great. But if someone says an unkind word, you’ll feel badly about yourself (even though there’s nothing wrong with you!).
So, needing the validation of others is a recipe for an unhappy life. Below are ways to learn to give up the need for affirmation from others, so that you can live your best life.
Consider the Source of Criticism
Many of us seek validation from people who are highly critical of us. It’s understandable. We all want to be admired and liked by the people who know us. And if someone doesn’t think highly of us, we want to change their minds.
But before you make the effort to change the mind of someone who is critical of you, I encourage you to take a step back from the situation. Ask yourself this: “Is this person impressive? Are they at the top of their field? Is this someone who is admired for their personal ethics?” Probably not.
The rule of life is this: The people who are most highly critical of you, are also the most flawed individuals that you know.
People who are personally and professionally successful don’t run around criticizing others. Successful people build others up. They point out other people’s great qualities. That is because they are secure in themselves and in their accomplishments. They don’t need to put others down in order to feel good about themselves.
By contrast, the people who criticize typically are highly flawed individuals. They are the people in your life with serious personality or character flaws. Those folks are never going to validate you. They will always put you down in a futile effort to feel better about themselves.
So, stop seeking validation from those folks. See them for who they are – highly flawed individuals – and don’t concern yourself with their opinions.
Accept That You Can’t Make Everyone Happy
One of the most important things to accept in life is this: You can’t make everyone happy. On any given day, someone is going to be unhappy with you. That’s life. So, basing your value on whether other people are happy with you is a recipe for frustration.
Realize that most people aren’t going to appreciate you for the right reasons. For instance, your kids aren’t going to be happy with you because you are a good, ethical person. They will be happy with you if you give them stuff and meet their needs. It takes a long time before kids grow up and learn to appreciate their parents as human beings, and not merely as ATM machines.
There is a Janet Jackson song from the 90’s entitled, “What Have You Done for Me Lately?” It is a funny little pop song about a young lady who is lamenting the fact that her boyfriend is neglecting her.
The sentiment of the song title is spot on: Most people in your life are going to like you based on what you’ve done for them lately. However, whether you’ve pandered to another person’s needs isn’t a good way to judge your success as a human being.
Instead, you should evaluate your success as a human being based on whether you are living according to your values. Do you feel good about the way that you treat other people? When the world isn’t looking, do you act in a way that’s ethical? Or do you just put on a show for the public, and then behave poorly in private? Are you being the best version of YOU possible? When you can feel good about your answers to those questions, you then can feel like a true success.
Set Your Own Standards
Your satisfaction or dissatisfaction with yourself should come from one source: YOU. You need to set your own standard for personal and professional success. And then you need to push yourself to meet that standard.
If you try to meet other people’s standards, you’ll live an inauthentic life. That is because you’ll be trying to achieve things that you just don’t care about.
For example, when my daughter was small, my top priority was to spend time with her and to enjoy being a mother. Professional achievement was irrelevant to me. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the financial ability to be a fulltime, stay-at-home mother. So, I worked. But my job was unimportant to me. What was important to me were those precious hours outside of work that I spent with her.
At the time, I could have concerned myself with professional success. After all, professional success is the way by which most people receive validation from their peers.
But that wasn’t my standard for success. My standard for a successful day was this: Did I spend a solid part of the day with my daughter? Did she and I enjoy each other’s company? And if I could answer “Yes” to those questions, then I knew my day was a resounding success.
So, stop seeking validation based on the standards that society sets for success. Instead, set your own standards for success by deciding what it is that you care about. And work to achieve that.
This week, considered ending the need for validation from others. Whether other people are happy with you or not is irrelevant. Decide whether you are happy with your accomplishments and your behavior. If you are happy with yourself, that is all that matters. (To read about ways to boost your confidence, click here.)
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