One of the most difficult challenges that we face in life is accepting change. Realize that nothing in life stays the same. Our children will grow up and become independent adults. Our parents will grow old and eventually pass away. And our financial fortunes will rise and then fall, on occasion. As a result, learning how to accept the impermanence of life is a critical skill that we each need to develop.
The problem is that we try to fight life’s impermanence. Frankly, that’s understandable. For example, if you have a toddler, and you look into that beautiful, innocent, dear face, you will want to keep your little one small forever. But if you try to keep your child dependent on you and always “young,” you will deprive him or her of the adventure of growing up into an adult.
When we clutch onto life and demand that it remains the same, we run into trouble. That is because we will be disappointed. We cannot fight change. Change is inevitable.
Below are ways to accept the impermanence of life. Consider applying these approaches and learn how to enjoy life, in spite of its natural changes.
Go Through Life with a Loose Grip
When we fight the impermanence of life, we clutch onto relationships, situations and things. And that clutching leads to frustration. That is because our clutching won’t prevent change. Change is inevitable.
That is why the best way to live life is with a loose grip. When we have a loose grip, we are engaged in life. We appreciate the beautiful and fun moments. And we appreciate the people who we love. But we aren’t trying to desperately clutch onto people and moments because we know that they are both impermanent. Moments will pass. Relationships will evolve or end. People will pass away. That is the nature of life.
As an example, I once had a dog who I loved dearly. As he got older, every time I took him to the vet, they told me that his heart was enlarged, and that he wouldn’t live much longer. Well, these vet visits went on for years. And every time the vet told me, “He can’t live much longer,” the more I clutched. Whenever he got sick, I would rush him to the vet and beg them to give him anything to see him through the illness.
I clutched even though he slept most of the day, and I clutched even though he started having trouble getting up and walking. And then one summer I went on vacation and left him behind in the care of a family member. And as soon as he stopped feeling me clutching, he passed away.
Our clutching isn’t helpful. We can’t (or shouldn’t) keep people (or pets) alive when their time has come. Nor can we keep relationships going when they are no longer viable (How many people stay in dysfunctional or dead marriages for years, even after the marriages are effectively over?).
Instead, we need to keep a loose grip in life. Love the people and pets in your life. Make sure they know how much they are loved. Truly enjoy all the wonderful moments that life offers you. And then let those people, pets, moments and relationships come in and out of your life naturally. If you do, you’ll find that your life is more relaxed, and that you enjoy it all the more.
Learn to Savor Life
Can you remember what you ate for lunch yesterday? Do you recall what you were doing at 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday of last week? I’ll bet that you don’t know the answers to either of those questions. That’s because we tend to live life on autopilot.
But when we accept the impermanence of life, we realize that our days and the days of those we love are numbered. And the only reasonable response to that immutable fact is to savor life. The key is to enjoy the people we love with enthusiasm and to enjoy life for however long we can.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you live every day as if it were your last. If we all did that, no one would go to work, and the global economy would come to a grinding halt. Rather, I’m suggesting that you stop being on autopilot and pay attention in life.
One way to pay attention is to develop a mindfulness practice. People who practice mindfulness are focused on being fully present in each moment. They aren’t doing one thing while thinking about another. If they are speaking with someone, they are intently listening to what the other person is saying. Or, if they are walking their dog, they are paying attention to the dog and their surroundings.
When we are mindful, we are savoring life. We are giving our undivided attention to what is happening in each moment. And when we do that, the impermanence of life doesn’t seem so bad. People may come and go. Beautiful moments may come and go. But we’ve chosen to experience all of it fully, without distraction.
Learn to Make Lemonade Out of Lemons
Relationships end. People die. Jobs come and go. I could go on, but you get my point. Everything that we experience in life is finite. And in order to accept the natural impermanence of life, it helps to do something positive when we experience difficult endings.
Admittedly, making lemonade out of the lemons of life isn’t easy. For example, I recently experienced the death of a loved one, and I was at a loss as to what to do. Initially, I sat for two hours not doing much of anything, trying to process what had happened. And when processing wasn’t going anywhere, I decided to make some lemonade.
I thanked the people who had been so very helpful to me in the preceding weeks. I did some writing. And most importantly, I tried to figure out whether something positive could come out of what felt like a purely tragic situation.
What I figured out after a lot of contemplation was this: People die. Their bodies are not permanent. However, the effect of their lives is permanent. When you die, you don’t disappear. Rather, you live on in the memoires of all the people with whom you came in contact. And you’ll be remembered either positively or negatively.
So, the question for each of us is this: What permanent mark do I want to make on this world? Even after my physical body is gone, how do I want to live on in the hearts and memories of those who knew me?
Those are not simple questions to answer. And the answers will be different for each one of us. One way to guide your answers to those questions might be found in the following Maya Angelou quote: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Accepting the impermanence of life is hard. If you find it to be challenging, consider applying some of the approaches above. And be mindful that in the midst of life’s impermanence, there is a permanent aspect to life. We have the power to achieve permanence and to create a positive legacy simply by being a blessing to all those who come in contact with us. (To read about the life changing power of acceptance, click here.)
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