No one goes through life unscathed. We all have experienced things that we wish we hadn’t. And we’ve all seen cruelties that we wish we could un-see. The past is always imperfect.
For example, as a child, I witnessed interactions between my parents which were awful. I wish I could erase those memories, but decades later, they are still clear in my mind. We all carry with us memories that we wish we could delete, like a file on our computer.
But, unfortunately, that isn’t possible. We can’t erase memories. But we can learn to view those memories through a different lens. And in that way, we can heal our minds.
Below are steps that you can take to break free from the difficult memories that may be burdening you today.
Keep the Past in the Past
Realize that we are only meant to endure bad experiences once. A bad thing happens, and then it is supposed to be over.
The problem is that we have the ability to relive bad experiences over and over again through our memories. But that isn’t how we are meant to experience life. Bad experiences happen, and then they are supposed to end. The key is to learn to leave those experiences in the past.
One way to keep your past in the past is to be fully present in the here and now. The Buddhist practice of “mindfulness” is a good approach to help you detach from the past and keep yourself in the present. By practicing mindfulness, you can train your mind to be fully present in the current moment.
For instance, my mind can send me on a million different paths. And if I allow my mind to do what it wants, on occasion, it can send me down a rabbit hole of bad memories. By practicing mindfulness, I can snap my mind back to the present.
Even as I write this, I am sitting at my kitchen table and many difficult memories have flooded back to my mind. But I know that I need to focus on the here and now. So, I look out the window. It is a beautiful day. I can see the sunlight streaming through the pine trees in the woods.
The house is quiet. My husband is at work, and my daughter is at school. The dog, cat and bunny are sleeping. The only sound I hear is the dryer moving the clothes around. And in this moment, I recognize that the past is over and done with. I don’t have to experience it again. The only thing I need to experience is this moment. And in this moment my life is peaceful and blessed.
The Past Is Our Teacher
Instead of viewing the past as a burden, or something that we need to overcome, we should view the past as our teacher. For example, I would not have the wisdom that I have today, if I had not gone through difficult experiences in the past. For better or worse, we learn the most when we experience hard times.
So, the key isn’t to forget the past (which is impossible), but rather to learn from it. Your approach to the past should be this: The past is over and done. Now what can I learn about myself or other people from that experience?
For instance, you shouldn’t hold a grudge against another person. You should always strive to forgive. But… how someone has treated you (or other people) tells you a lot about who they are. From past experiences, you can learn who is trustworthy and who isn’t. From people’s past actions, you can learn which people are high quality individuals, and which people have low ethical standards.
Your past can also teach you a lot about yourself. For instance, in the past, I tolerated behavior from other people that I would never tolerate today. But I’ve come to realize that I was not raised to be a confident person. I also wasn’t raised to believe that I deserved anything good in life. Because I wasn’t taught to have confidence and self-esteem, I spent years putting up with bad behavior that I now would find to be appalling.
But I don’t feel badly about my past. Instead, I feel compassion for the young woman who struggled to believe in herself. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her that she is amazing! But I can’t do that. So, instead, I’ve learned from my past and now have become the biggest cheerleader for my daughter. Because my plan is to send her into the world brimming with confidence, knowing that she deserves only the best.
Don’t Allow Your Past to Define You
We, of course, are a product of our experiences. Our past shapes us. For instance, I have an odd love of organ music because my mother was a church organist. While I drive, I will listen to sacred organ music, while other people are listening to the top 50 hits. Our past, with both its good and bad, has shaped us into who we are today.
But we run into trouble when we let our past define us. Specifically, we have problems when we let our past mistakes or bad experiences define us. If I let my past mistakes define me, I would walk around wearing a t-shirt that reads, “Divorced. Average Student. Unable to Repair Kitchen A Faucet…” Obviously, that would be silly.
However, that is exactly what we do! We let our past mistakes define us. But realize that everyone makes mistakes. Big ones and small ones. Making mistakes is part of life. It happens.
However, you are not your mistakes. Yes, I suppose that technically I am a divorced person. But all that means is that I once had a relationship that I truly hoped would last a lifetime. And sadly, it didn’t. That doesn’t make me any less of a loyal, loving or moral person. It only means that at one time in my life, I endured a disappointment. That past experience doesn’t define who I am as a person.
Now, I will admit that the world can be a very unkind place. And there are some cruel people who will want to define you by your past mistakes and experiences. Ignore them. Instead, define yourself by your successes and positive contributions to the world.
Consider using the above approaches to heal your mind of any past experiences that may be burdening you today. Don’t allow your past to hold you back. Instead, creatively use it as way to propel yourself forward to being a kinder, wiser and more compassionate person. (To read more about making peace with your past, click here.)
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