How to Get Comfortable with Saying “No”

In our society, we are infatuated with the word “yes.”  There are books that talk about the power of saying “yes.”  People write about how your life could change for the better, if for one year, you just said “yes” to every request.  That’s all nonsense.  If you want to live a happy life, saying “yes” is not the answer.  Instead, you need to get comfortable with saying “no.”

Realize that life is full of choices.  You can’t say “yes” to everything.  So, every time you say “yes” to one thing, you’re saying “no” to a long list of other things.

In fact, it is only when folks learn to say “no” that they then can get on the path to true happiness.

No, I’m not going to become an accountant.  I love music, and I’m going to become a music teacher.

No, I’m not going out to dinner tonight.  I need some personal time, so I’m going to stay in and read a good book.

No, I’m not going to put up with your treating me poorly.  I’m unhappy in this relationship, so I’m leaving you.

I could go on, but you get my point.  It is only by learning to say “no” that we can then say “yes” to living a life that makes us happy.

Below are ways to learn how to get comfortable with saying “no.”  Consider applying them in your own life, and see how much happier you become!

Don’t Try to Be a Martyr

It is important in life to give to others and to give generously.  You should give your time and your resources to help others – but only in ways that you desire. 

So, if you like baking pies, and you enjoy baking for others, then do that!  But don’t bake someone a pie, if you hate baking.  If you get asked to bake someone a pie, just say “no.”

That is a simple example, but the point is that you need to give to others in the ways that you enjoy.  Otherwise, you’ll start feeling like a martyr, and you’ll begin to resent every person that you help.  Help others only in ways that you enjoy. 

Admittedly, some people just don’t like helping others.  They solely like to be on the receiving end of generosity.  That is a character flaw that needs to be fixed.  But most of us enjoy helping others in certain ways.  So, help others in ways that feel rewarding to you!  And get comfortable with saying “no” to requests for help that you don’t interest you.

Realize That Life Is Short

I can write with authority about how important it is to say “no” because I spent too many years of my life, regrettably, saying “yes.”  I don’t look back on those years and think, “Thank goodness I said “yes.”  What great adventures I had, as a result!”  Instead, I think, “Good grief.  Those are years I can’t get back.” 

Realize that life is short.  Any day that you spend saying “yes” and accommodating the desires of another person at the expense of your own desires is a day that is lost.  You cannot get it back.

We each have been given one life to live.  That’s it.  Now, not every day is going to be perfect.  Life is full of responsibilities.  There is some work and drudgery involved so that bills can be paid and food can be put on the table.  But outside of that necessary drudgery, your other hours should be spent doing what you love.  Not accommodating the desires of others.

So, don’t waste this one very short life you’ve been given.  Get comfortable with saying “no” to the demands of others, and say “yes” to the life you want to live.

Forget About Being Liked

Do you like people only if they acquiesce to your wishes?  Of course not.  That would be a demented way of thinking.  Yet, there are some people who will only like you if you do exactly what they want you do to. 

Realize that people like that aren’t worth your time.  If you have family members like that, stop dealing with them.  If you have friends like that, find new friends! 

But to get rid of people like that, you have to forget about being liked.  And you have to get comfortable with saying “no.”

Realize that being liked isn’t always a good thing.  For instance, there are certain people who don’t like me, and I take pride in that fact!  If they liked me, then that would be evidence that I am doing something wrong.  To get them to like me, I’d need to act in a way that makes them happy, rather than being true to myself.  In fact, a good barometer of whether you’re living an authentic life is whether the right people don’t like you!

So, if you want to get comfortable with saying “no,” first get comfortable with the fact that certain people in this world aren’t going to like you.  And that is OK!

Make Self-Care Your Priority

An important part of my life is caring for others.  Not only do I enjoy caring for others, whether they be my husband, my daughter, or our myriad of pets, but I truly believe that caring for others builds character.  Giving without any expectation of something in return simply makes you a better person. 

However, I’ve learned over the years that before I do anything for others, I first have to meet my own needs.  If you don’t engage in self-care and meet your own needs first, then you’ll resent the very people you want to help.

And to engage in self-care, you often have to say “no.”  That can be uncomfortable.  Very often, I’ve said to people, “No, I don’t have time to do X, Y or Z this weekend.”  The reality is that I do have the time.  However, it is more important for me to use my weekends to engage in self-care.  That may mean spending my Saturday afternoon reading a good book or going to the salon for a haircut.  It doesn’t mean meeting the needs of others when I need to care for myself.

The challenge is that many people will not respect your time or your need for self-care.  So, they may pitch a fit if you don’t give up your free time for their needs.  If you have to deal with people like that, you need to learn to get comfortable with saying “no,” and take care of yourself first.

By taking care of yourself first, you will be more relaxed.  You’ll feel like your life is under control, and you aren’t burning the candle at both ends.  It is only then that you’ll be in a position to care for others, meet their needs and enjoy doing so!

This week, consider whether you are having trouble saying “no.”  If saying “no” is a challenge for you, decide to start valuing yourself, your time and this one life that you have been given.  And get comfortable with saying “no!” (To read about how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, click here.)