How to Stop Feeling Responsible for Other People’s Bad Decisions

It’s stressful when the people in our lives make profoundly bad decisions.  After all, it’s hard to watch those closest to us suffer. The challenge is that often we mistakenly feel that we’re responsible for their bad decisions.

Now, you may ask, “Well, aren’t I, on some level, responsible for the decisions of those closest to me?”  The short answer is, “Absolutely not.”  You simply aren’t responsible for the decisions of others. The reality is that you can’t control other people.  And if folks around you make bad decisions, all you can do is be an onlooker to their bad choices.

Admittedly, that’s an uncomfortable place to be.  Because most of us wrongly think that, on some level, we’re responsible for the bad choices of others.  We believe that, “If only I was a better parent/child/friend/spouse, then so-and-so would be making better choices.”  But that’s wrong-headed thinking.  You aren’t responsible for the actions of others.  We all make our own life choices.  And, sadly, some people choose to do things that are detrimental to their own success, happiness and well-being.

Realize that your feeling responsible for other people’s decisions isn’t going to change anything.  Your feelings of guilt are never going to lead other people to make better choices.  Feeling guilty only will make you miserable.

Below are five ways to stop feeling responsible for the choices of others.  Follow these approaches to stay happy and content, even when the folks around you are going down bad paths:

Understand Your Lack of Power over Others

Whenever you’re dealing with someone who is making bad choices, it’s important to understand that your ability to influence that person is limited.  So, when you see someone making bad choices, you can offer good advice to that person. And that’s about all.  Because, ultimately, you don’t have the power to force another person to make good decisions.

What’s tough is that folks who make bad decisions typically are unwilling take ownership of their bad decisions.  For example, I used to have a family member who abused alcohol.  And whenever that person drank to excess, she would say, “Well, I drank alcohol because so-and-so upset me.”  However, the reality was that this individual chose to abuse alcohol.  No one forced her to abuse alcohol.  That was her choice.

It’s very difficult when the people in your life refuse to take responsibility for their poor choices.  And it’s stressful when they blame you for their bad choices.  But in those situations, you can’t allow people to drag you into their world of delusion.  Instead, you need to repeat to yourself, “I have no power over their choices.”

Always remember that you don’t have the power to force others to make good decisions.  And similarly, you don’t have the power to force others to make bad decisions!  Other folks’ decisions are their own. 

Stop Trying to Fix Other People

Most of us like to be helpful.  As a result, we want to jump in and solve other people’s problems, whenever we can.  For instance, I’m notorious for trying to fix the lives of everyone around me.  But unfortunately, my interventions aren’t always appreciated or helpful!

So, before you try to fix someone’s bad decision, take a step back and ask yourself: “Am I helping because this person asked for help?  Or, am I helping because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t help?”  The reality is that sometimes other folks just don’t want our help.  Sometimes people just want to do things their own way, even if their own way is disastrous.

So, if someone in your life is making bad decisions and has gotten themselves into a pickle, don’t immediately try to fix their situation. Instead, help them out, only if they ask for help.  Or, offer wise advice.  Or better yet, simply be a role model for responsible, successful, wholesome living.   

But unless asked, resist the urge to swoop in and fix the lives of others.  Realize that you can care about other people without fixing them.  So, let yourself off the hook and know that you aren’t responsible to fix the lives of those around you.

Detach from Folks Who Are Making Bad Decisions

People who make bad choices are draining.  I’ve personally shed many tears of sadness and frustration over the bad choices of others.  And my sadness wasn’t worthwhile!  My tears have never made an ounce of difference to any bad situation.  Instead, I just ended up wearing myself out.

Looking back, I would have been far better off to have emotionally detached myself from the folks making bad decisions.  Realize that being detached doesn’t mean that you don’t care about other people.  You can care about other people without being invested in their life choices. 

So, if someone you know is making bad decisions, detach yourself. Simply say to that person, “I truly want what is best for you.  And if you need my help or advice, I’d be delighted to offer it.”  Full stop.  And then once you’ve said that, go on living your life.  And let the other person go on living his or her life. 

Demanding that other people make good decisions isn’t helpful.  People have the right to make their own decisions.  And sadly, they have the right to make bad decisions.  So, emotionally detach yourself from the decisions of others. Instead, make your peace of mind your top priority.

Reflect on Why You’re Feeling Responsible

We often feel responsible for others because, unfortunately, society considers us to be responsible for those individuals.  For instance, I have many friends who have elderly parents.  And society deems us to be responsible for our elderly parents.  Now, I’ll agree that to a certain extent, we’re responsible for our parents as they age. 

But what do you do when you have an elderly parent who is making bad decisions?  Truthfully, you can’t do much.  Our elderly parents are adults, and adults have the right to make bad choices. 

The fact of the matter is that we can’t control our parents.  We can help them as they age.  But if they have sound minds and bodies, we just can’t stop them from making bad decisions.

The same holds true for our children.  Society expects us to take care of our children.  And obviously, we should take care of them!  We’re responsible to be kind, encouraging and gentle with our children.  But the hard truth of the matter is that we can’t control their decisions, especially when they become adults. 

For example, I know people who have given their children every opportunity for success in life.  And yet their adult children make bad choices.  That’s hard!  These parents haven’t done anything wrong.  Their kids are just making bad choices because they can.

The truth of the matter is that even though society deems us to be responsible for the choices of those closest to us, the reality is that we can’t control other people – including our family members.  Sometimes we can’t even positively influence them!  So, let go of feeling guilty about the bad choices of your family members.  Their bad choices are just that – their bad choices.

Focus on Making Your Own Good Choices

The best way to stop feeling responsible for the bad choices of others is to stop worrying about what other folks are doing.  Or what they’re failing to do.  Instead, stop paying attention to those folks. Instead, focus your mental energy on your own growth and peace.

In my own life, I find that the more that people in my life make bad decisions, the more I need to ignore them.  At those times, I find that it’s most productive to focus on myself and on making good decisions for my own life. 

Realize that there’s nothing selfish about focusing on yourself.  Frankly, your one and only job in this life to be a successful, decent, happy, kind human being.  That’s what you’re supposed to be doing.  And the other people in your life are supposed to be doing exactly the same thing.

More importantly, realize that the best way to influence others in this world is by example.  So, help others by making your life a shining example of how to be a kind, successful, hard-working human being.  And hopefully those around you will find your amazing life to be inspiring! 

The bottom line is this: Stop feeling responsible for other folks’ bad decisions.  Ultimately, we each are responsible for our own lives and choices.  Focus on yourself.  Make your own good decisions.  And Create A Great Life!