Many people struggle to be happy when they become adults. That is because as children, our parents take responsibility for our happiness. They fill our lives with playdates and extracurricular activities to keep our lives interesting. And the moment that we say “I’m bored,” they try to find something to amuse us. But unfortunately, when many people grow up, they can’t figure out how to be happy adults without assistance.
You often see folks with this type of infantilized view of happiness. People become adults, and they continue to think that it is the job of others to make them happy. So, they’ll complain, “My spouse doesn’t make me happy.” Or, “My job doesn’t make me happy.” Some people even expect their children to make them happy. Worse yet, I’ve sometimes heard adults lament that they are bored. It’s as if they never advanced in emotional maturity beyond age 8.
The problem is that once we become adults, our happiness is our responsibility. And for many people, that is a tough pill to swallow. They’d rather make others responsible for their happiness, as they did when they were children. The problem is that making you happy isn’t a job that anyone wants to take on.
Realize that no one wants to be responsible for your happiness. For instance, I enjoy being kind to others. And I’m happy to help people when they need my assistance. But I have zero desire to be responsible for the happiness or entertainment of other adults. That doesn’t remotely interest me. My job is to make myself happy by doing the things that I enjoy. And my job also is to give others the space and encouragement to make themselves happy.
Below are some ways to take full responsibility for yourself and your happiness. Learn to be an adult by taking responsibility for yourself, your choices, your life, and your happiness!
Choose Your Inner Circle Wisely
As children, we can’t choose our inner circle. In our younger years, our inner circle, for the most part, are our parents and siblings (if we have any). And we are stuck dealing with those people, regardless of whether they are great or awful.
But as adults, we can choose the members of our inner circle. We have the ability to choose the folks with whom we spend our free time and with whom we share our thoughts and feelings. And we should be choosing people who are positive and encouraging. You don’t want negative, grouchy people in your inner circle.
In fact, if you’ve ever had a negative person in your inner circle, you know how draining that can be. The sad reality is that some people are just chronically unhappy. And if a person like that is in your inner circle, that person will be a roadblock to your own happiness. You can try to be happy in spite of that person’s presence, but it’s nearly impossible. So, the only thing that you can do to preserve your happiness is to cut people like that loose. And then you can pray that at some point they turn their lives around and figure out how to be happy individuals.
So, choose your inner circle wisely. One bad apple can truly spoil the barrel, as they say.
Find Activities that You Enjoy
When we are children, we do the activities that our parents plan for us. They sign us up for extra-curricular classes and take us on vacations. And if we have fully engaged parents, they’ll try to pass along some of their own interests to us, such as interests in sports, music or crafting.
But once we become adults, it’s time to discover what truly interests us. That may sound easy, but sometimes it’s not! The challenge is that when you become an adult, you’ll have friends and perhaps a spouse and children who will try to consume large parts of your free time. So, you really have to be intentional about using your free time to do those things that interest you.
For example, for a number of years, my free time was hijacked by the interests of others. I spent my time doing the things that others wanted to do at the expense of my own interests. And I was understandably frustrated! On the one hand, I wanted to be an accommodating type of person. But on the other hand, my accommodation of the needs of others made me completely miserable.
These days, I’ve become far more careful about how I spend my free time. Nowadays, my free time is spent doing the things that I enjoy. My free time is devoted to playing my piano, gardening, walking with my dog, and reading. And since my husband and I are both foodies, I also devote some of my time to trying new recipes with him and going out to restaurants with him to try different types of cuisines.
What I’ve found is that when you spend your time pursuing your natural interests, you feel so much better! That is because you then are living authentically. And living authentically is the key to a happy life.
Run Your Own Race
Unfortunately, our younger years are spent in constant competition and comparison. When we go to school, we compare our grade with our peers. In some families, parents make the mistake of comparing their children. Then there are the youth sports, dance and music competitions that further promote our society’s obsession with comparison and competition.
And unfortunately, many adults never grow out of the comparison game. They live their lives competing. And they are miserable.
Now occasionally I’ve heard folks say, “Well, non-competitive people don’t succeed.” Let me be the first to tell you that is garbage. Competitive people succeed for a time. And then they crumple upon their first or second failure.
The truly successful and happy people in this world are the people who never compete. Instead, they run their own race. Non-competitive people race like horses on a track, with blinders on. They never look to the right or to the left. They just look straight and forge ahead.
The reality is that there will always be someone who is more beautiful or handsome than you are. There will always be someone who is richer, smarter or more successful. And if you are obsessed with competition, the fact that you will never be “the best” will make you miserable.
The happy achievers in this world are the people who are running their own race. They aren’t trying to outdo everyone else. Happy achievers are successful because they are doing what they love. That is their motivation. And doing what you love is the only way for you to be happy and successful at the same time.
If you are trying to figure out how to become a happy adult, consider following the approaches above. Realize that happiness for adults is not the same as it is for children. You have to work at it! But if you are strategic about how you live your life and spend your time, you can become a truly happy adult. (To read about how to take responsibility for your happiness, click here.)
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