4 Ways to Improve Your Conversation Skills

These days, many folks are seeking to improve their conversation skills. That is ironic, given that we now communicate more than ever. Most of us are texting constantly. Those involved in social media post comments and photos of themselves regularly on Facebook and Instagram. Others tweet their every opinion. These days, it seems like there is little that we don’t share about ourselves.

The problem is that our social media communication is a one-way street. Social media is a way to get other people to look at us, to know what we are thinking and to comment on what we are doing. However, that isn’t real communication. It is more akin to when a child does something and yells, “Mommy, look at me!”

Real communication involves two people who are interested in learning about each other. And if we want to have good relationships with others, we need to engage in that kind of real, two-way communication.

In short, real communication requires having an actual conversation with another person. And there is an art to that. If you are struggling with having good conversations with the people you love and care about, try following some of the tips below to improve your conversation skills.

Be More Interested in Others Than in Yourself

Here is an interesting fact. Most people who I know socially, and even some people I am related to, have almost no idea what I do for a living. Why? They haven’t asked.

My teenage daughter reports the same kind of interactions with her schoolmates. She, as a matter of manners, will ask the other kids about their classes and how their days are going. And those kids will talk about themselves in excruciating detail. But they won’t ask her the same questions. So, they know almost nothing about her. This is the same generation of kids who will text, post and tweet constantly.

The problem is that many people lack a basic curiosity about other human beings. As a result, they don’t know much about the people with whom they interact with regularly. Instead, they spend their time concerned solely with themselves.

I attribute this unfortunate narcissism that pervades our society to social media. We have become so used to only talking about ourselves when using Facebook, Instagram, etc. that we have lost our interest in other people.

So, realize that if you want to have great conversation skills, you have to stop navel gazing. Instead, you need to be more interested in others than you are in yourself.

Start using your conversations with people as an opportunity to learn about them. Don’t limit your interactions with people to simply talk about yourself. Ask people questions about themselves. Make it your rule to always leave every conversation having learned something new about the other person.

To Improve Your Conversation Skills, Always Be Positive

On occasion, we need to vent about the things that are frustrating us in life. But our venting and complaining to others should be kept to a minimum. For the most part, it is important to keep our conversations positive. So, if you want to have great conversation skills, make it a habit of sharing with others what it happening in your life that is good. The key is to make sure that when the other person leaves the conversation, they feel energized – not drained.

In addition, be positive with your comments about other people. Compliment others on a regular basis. Encourage folks if they have goals that they are trying to achieve.

So often, we have complimentary thoughts in our head, but we don’t say them out loud. It takes work to not just think complimentary things, but to say them. For instance, if I see a friend wearing a color that particularly suits her, I will say, “That shade of green is your color!” Those kinds of compliments don’t take much effort on my part. But they can make the other person feel like a million bucks!

When You Converse with Others, Be Humble

There is nothing wrong with being confident in yourself and your abilities. But your confidence should be a quiet confidence. Noisy bragging does not make for good conversation.

Realize that truly great people are humble. People who are actually smart, accomplished and talented don’t talk about it. They don’t feel the need to tell others about their IQs, their degrees, their salaries or their bank accounts.

It is irritating to talk to someone who is trying to brandish their knowledge. For example, I’m a writer, so I have a decent command of the English language. On occasion, I have conversations with people in which I hear them make grammatical mistakes. However, I don’t correct them. Why would I? That would be rude and annoying.

The point of a conversation is not for me to try to show that I am better than someone else. The point is to communicate and learn more about that person. If I correct that person or try to show how great I am, I just am preventing us from making a deeper connection.

Improve Your Conversation Skills by Being an Active Listener

When you have a conversation, it is important to really listen to what the other person is saying. In part, that means making a mental note of what the other person tells you. Remembering the little things that other people tell you about themselves is a great way to show people that you care about them.

For some of us, that is a skill that comes naturally. Other folks have to learn that skill. I am lucky in that that skill comes naturally to me. I just happen to remember little facts about people.

As an example, twenty-five years ago, I worked with a lady who got married late in life. She was incredibly excited to be getting married, and she shared with me that her wedding song was the love song from Phantom of the Opera. A quarter century later, I still remember that very random fact!

The other part of active listening is being attentive to not just what the person is saying, but how they say it. For example, if someone is unusually quiet or serious or nervous when they share something with you, that means it is something that is hard for them to say. And they are sharing that detail with you because they trust you. So, respond in a sensitive manner. Don’t interrupt, but rather give that person your undivided, sympathetic attention.

This week, take time to work on your conversation skills. Make sure that you are conversing with people to learn more about them, or to make a deeper emotional connection with them. Don’t simply use conversations as a vehicle to showcase yourself. If you do so, you’ll find that your personal relationships will improve immensely. (To read about developing great people skills, click here.)