Recently, I received news that someone close to me has a terminal illness. I was shocked and upset by the news, and this situation has upended my life in many ways. The experience has made me think about how challenging it can be to find positive ways to cope with tragedy.
Admittedly, there are many negative ways to respond to life’s tragedies. Some folks react to tragedy with self-pity. They choose to focus on the seeming unfairness of life. (“Why is my life so hard, when others seem to have it so easy?”) Others fall apart when faced with a tragedy and are paralyzed by the experience. For those folks, it is hard for them to get up in the morning, or to even concentrate at work. And then there are those who shut off their feelings of grief and just try to forge ahead as best they can.
However, none of those ways of coping with tragedy is positive. The good news is that there are positive ways to cope with the tragic events that inevitably occur in life. Below are some ways to positively approach life’s most difficult situations. If you are currently enduring a life tragedy, consider following these positive approaches below.
Give Yourself the Opportunity to Grieve
When we experience a difficult life event, whether it be the death of a loved one, a divorce or another type of tragedy, it is important to grieve. Grieving isn’t just about feeling sad about what has happened. It also involves accepting that the future that we planned isn’t going to happen.
That is hard. Tragedy always involves disappointment. And while feelings of disappointment are uncomfortable, the good news is that life’s disappointments can make us resilient. We develop resilience when we face a disappointment, regroup and then keep on going. In fact, each time we go through that process, we become a little bit tougher.
So, if you are going through a tragic event, allow yourself to grieve. Be sad that something terrible has happened. Feel the disappointment that comes from life not going according to plan. Then accept what has happened, and with mental fortitude, keep moving forward.
Realize that Tragedy Is a Natural Part of Life
Often, when faced with a tragedy, we think, “Why me?” The answer to that question is, “Because you are a human being. And tragedy is an inevitable part of the human experience.”
Realize that you cannot insulate yourself from tragedy. Trust me. I’ve tried. I’ve lived my life very carefully. I have been careful with how I conduct myself in all ways. And yet, I’ve not been able to avoid tragedy in my life. What I’ve come to learn is that too much of life is simply outside of our control.
What I know is that you cannot control if a family member becomes ill. Nor can you control if your marriage becomes a train wreck. You can’t control the weather, the economy or how other people behave. And that means that even with our best intentions, not one of us is immune from tragedy.
Realize that even people with the seemingly perfect lives experience tragedies from time to time. Sure, folks will pretend on Facebook and Instagram that their lives are nothing but romantic anniversaries, fun birthday parties and exotic trips. But those are just photos (I can assure you that even the most dysfunctional family can smile for a vacation photo). The reality is that all those folks on social media have just as many problems as you do.
So, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you are the only person with problems in this world. As the saying goes, “Into each life, a little rain must fall.” Tragedy is a natural part of every person’s life. What will set you apart from the rest of the folks is how you cope with it.
Create Positive Experiences in the Midst of Tragedy
One of the most important ways to cope with tragedy is to turn your lemons into lemonade. That may sound trite. But the reality is that you can have positive experiences, even during tough times.
For instance, this week a dear family member who I hadn’t heard from in a while reached out to me. We shared the challenges that each of us were going through, and that sharing made our relationship all the closer.
Another way to bring positivity in the midst of tragedy is to express gratitude to those folks who are helping you. Send someone a thank you note. Or you buy someone a small gift to let that person know how much you appreciate their kindness.
The key is to be on the lookout for opportunities to connect with others and to show your gratitude to those who are helping you. Admittedly, when we are going through a tragedy, our minds can get wrapped up in our own problems. But that is precisely the time when you need to get your mind off yourself and figure out how to bless others.
When Coping with Tragedy, Remember to Engage in Self-Care
So often, in the midst of life’s big problems, we forget about self-care. We are so busy trying to handle our issues, that our nutrition, exercise and sleep go by the wayside. The problem is that when we are facing a tragedy, we need to be able to think clearly and feel our best. That is why self-care is so critical.
Remember that self-care is not selfish. Often, when big problems arise, we have this nagging feeling that we aren’t doing enough. We aren’t doing enough to solve the problem. Or we aren’t doing enough for others.
What I can say about that nagging feeling is this: Do what you reasonably can when facing a tragic situation. And then don’t do anything more. Don’t run yourself ragged trying to solve problems or help others.
Realize that there is no point in your being miserable so that others can be happy. Help others to the extent you are able. But don’t martyr yourself for others. That isn’t how life is meant to work.
If you are facing a tragedy in your life, consider following the approaches above. While none of us ever handles life’s challenges perfectly, there are positive ways to deal with tragedy. Most importantly, have hope. Remember that this too shall pass. So, be good to yourself, and know that you’ll get through this challenging time. (To read about having a positive outlook when life is hard, click here.)
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