8 Ways to Increase Your Emotional Maturity

Why is it that some people become personally and professionally successful in life, while others don’t?  For instance, I know folks who’ve been given everything.  They’ve been given top-notch educations.  Life has given them good opportunities.  And they come from nice families.  Yet, their personal relationships are a mess, and they can’t establish meaningful careers.

I also know people who weren’t so blessed by life.  Some grew up in dysfunctional homes.  Others had parents with limited financial resources.   Some had limited educational opportunities.  And yet, these folks are highly successful, both personally and professionally. 

Why is it that some folks who are seemingly blessed can’t succeed, while others who have so little end up nailing life? If a good upbringing and affluence don’t guarantee success, what does? The answer is emotional maturity.

Realize that if you conduct yourself in an emotionally immature manner, life is going to be hard for you.  If you’re rude, difficult, unkind, or selfish, your life will not go smoothly.  It doesn’t matter that you went to an Ivy League school, or that you have an amazing family.  If you are emotionally immature, you will destroy your good fortune.

So, your emotional maturity is the key to your success.  And the good news is that if your life started out with some hard knocks, those hard knocks won’t dictate whether you ultimately are personally and professionally successful.  Rather, your future will be decided by how you conduct yourself, and how you respond to life’s challenges.  In short, your future depends on your developing your emotional maturity.

Below are ways to develop your emotional maturity.  Follow these approaches, increase your emotional maturity, and see how much more successful you become!

Become Self-Aware

To become emotionally mature, you need to become self-aware.  That means understanding what kinds of things trigger you to behave in an emotionally immature manner.  For instance, I know people who behave poorly during the holidays.  The holidays trigger their immature, bad behavior because at some point during their upbringing, their holiday experience was upsetting or disappointing.  So, they end up spending the holidays drinking heavily and being difficult. 

Admittedly, we all have things that can trigger our poor behavior.  The key is to know what triggers you, and to control your reactions.  So, if you know that the holidays upset you, then you need to find ways to make the holidays a positive experience.

For instance, you might feel better about the holidays if you do something nice for others.  Take the money that you normally would spend on yourself, and use it to buy gifts for children in need.  Or, donate food to your local food pantry.  You’ll also want to commit to sobriety during the holidays, since alcohol only intensifies feelings of depression.  So, instead of drinking, spend your time reading books that inspire positive thinking.

In order to develop your emotional maturity, it is critical to become self-aware.  Know thyself. Take some time to reflect and figure out what situations trigger your irrational reactions and poor behavior.  Then take charge of your behavior.  Choose to operate in a more emotionally mature manner by finding better ways to respond to those things that you personally find to be upsetting.

Learn to Manage Your Emotions

One of the hallmarks of emotional maturity is the ability to manage your emotions.  Realize that emotionally mature people aren’t easily upset by life.  Instead, they are adept at managing how they react to life’s challenges. 

If you have difficulty managing your emotions, you need to get to a place where you are mentally peaceful.  You want to have a mind that is like a still pond.  If you throw a pebble or rock into a still pond, it may cause some ripples.  But the pond will quickly return to its still state. 

A peaceful mind is like that still pond.  You may face an irritation or an unexpected problem.  But with a peaceful mind, you will only be momentarily perturbed.  And then your mind will return with ease to its peaceful state.

How do we achieve a Still Pond Mind?  There are many techniques, but the most effective one is meditation. 

When we meditate, we clear our minds and get into a calm state.  In doing so, we give our brains a taste of what it is like to be fully relaxed.  And our minds then will crave being in that relaxed state.  Then, when faced with an upsetting situation, we may have an initial reaction.  But our brains will will quickly revert to that calm, relaxed state enjoyed during meditation.

So, if you want to develop your emotional maturity, learn to manage your emotions.  And if you have difficulty doing so, consider taking up meditation.  It is a practice that trains your brain to be in a calm, relaxed state, even in the most challenging situations.

Develop Your Empathy for Others

Empathy is understanding how others may view a situation, and then using that understanding to relate to others appropriately. Without empathy, you cannot interact with others in an emotionally mature manner. 

For example, if you’ve ever been a parent, you know that children don’t always respond to situations in the way that adults do.   But to be a parent, you need to have empathy.  You have to remember that just because you don’t find thunder scary, you can still understand your child’s fear.  And with that understanding, you can provide proper comfort to your child.

Similarly, if your co-worker makes a mistake, if you have empathy, you’ll understand that publicly pointing out that mistake would embarrass your co-worker.  So, you’ll have the sensitivity to mention the error privately.

If we don’t have empathy, we end up doing emotionally immature things, like criticizing or making fun of other people.  When we have empathy, we are careful not to do and say things that could cause others to feel badly about themselves.  That’s because we understand that being critical or unkind hurts other people’s feelings.

So, if you want to increase your emotional maturity, develop your empathy for others.  Concern yourself with the feelings and perspectives of others.  In doing so, you’ll interact with others with greater emotional maturity and wisdom.

Take Responsibility for Your Actions

Emotionally mature individuals take responsibility for their actions. Sadly, that is hard for many people.  They’d rather blame others for their bad behavior. So, they’ll come up with all kinds of excuses for their poor treatment of others: “I’m sometimes mean because my life has been hard.”  “I told that person off because he annoyed me.”  “I was unkind because I was having a bad day.”  The list goes on and on with the excuses that people make.

Emotionally mature people don’t make excuses.  Instead, they take responsibility for their actions.  “Sometimes, I’m mean to other people.”  “I told that person off.”  “I was unkind.”  Period.  And then emotionally mature people commit to improving their behavior.

The reality is that we all make mistakes.  We all say and do things on occasion that we regret.  But the folks who are emotionally mature do regrettable things less frequently because they don’t make excuses for themselves.  Instead, they take ownership of everything that they do and say, and they are properly penitent when they’ve hurt someone else.

So, if you want to grow in emotional maturity, take responsibility for your actions and their consequences.  Don’t blame others for your behavior. Instead, acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them.

Be Open-Minded

The more we experience life, the more sophisticated our views of the world become.  Emotionally mature people know this.  That’s why they don’t get stuck in their current point of view.  They instead are flexible and open to evolving how they view life and the world.

For instance, in my own life, I had certain views about childbirth and pregnancy before I had a child.  But then I went through the actual experience of a pregnancy and birth, and my point of view changed dramatically!  Similarly, you can have certain views about other parts of the world. But once you travel or live overseas, your understanding of other peoples and countries becomes more informed.

Emotionally mature people are constantly adjusting how they see the world based on their life experiences.  And they are constantly educating themselves so that they can be as fully informed as possible. 

So, develop your emotional maturity by being open-minded.  Don’t be dogmatic.  Instead, be willing to adjust your opinions and ideas as you become more experienced and educated about the world.

Communicate Constructively

You will know if you are dealing with someone who is emotionally mature by how they communicate.  People who are emotionally immature will communicate in a rude and aggressive manner.  By contrast, emotionally mature people communicate calmly and respectfully.

For instance, you know that someone is communicating in an emotionally immature manner if they resort to insults in an attempt to prove their point.  For example, they may say, “I disagree with you, and by the way, you’re a terrible person.”  In the same way, raising your voice and being dramatic, is not an emotionally mature way to communicate. 

If you want to communicate with emotional maturity, leave out the personal attacks.  Instead, communicate in a reserved, mature manner.  If you do so, people will take you seriously because they’ll consider you to be emotionally mature, and someone whose opinion is worth considering. 

Learn to Set Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries is challenging for many people.  Figuring out when to say no to others, and how to prioritize yourself is hard.  After all, most of us want to be generous with our time and resources.  But emotionally mature people know when and how to set healthy boundaries.

It takes emotional maturity and wisdom to know that there is no value in running yourself ragged for others.  I will admit that it took me a long time to figure that out.  As a result, I spent many years sacrificing my time and personal goals for the benefit of others.  Not only were my efforts not appreciated, but I ended up making myself miserable.

It took time for me to develop the emotional maturity to understand that it is important to meet your own needs first.  Only then can you be happy giving to others.  You might think of life as similar to the directions that they give on the plane.  “If we lose oxygen, put on your own face mask first.  Then assist those around you.”  That is a great analogy for setting boundaries and making good life choices.

So, develop your emotional maturity by learning how to set boundaries.  Realize that you don’t do yourself any favors by making excessive sacrifices for others.  In short, put on your own face mask first.

Make Personal Improvement a Life-Long Pursuit

The path to emotional maturity isn’t a journey with a final destination.  Rather, it’s a journey that is ongoing and only ends on the day that you die. 

For example, I’ve spent decades working on my personal development. I’ve made it my priority to become kinder, gentler and more emotionally mature with each passing year. As a result, I’m not remotely the same person I was 10 years ago.  I’m not even the same person that I was five years ago.  I’m constantly changing, evolving and maturing. 

In fact, I take my personal development quite seriously.  I read books on philosophy, religion and personal development.  I also regularly talk to friends, my husband and my daughter about what it means to be a kind, generous, mature person.  And I meditate and pray.  As a result, I am constantly becoming a better version of ME.

And that really is how to develop your emotional maturity.  You have to work at it.  We are not born emotionally mature.  Rather, it takes study, reflection and effort!  But it is effort that is well worth your time.

If you are seeking to develop your emotional maturity, I encourage you to incorporate the 8 approaches above into your life.  Becoming emotionally mature is really about becoming a better human being.  And there is no better pursuit than that! (To read about improving your life by becoming a gentle person, click here.)