We all want to possess a calm state of mind. We want to be unflappable, so that no matter what type of situation we face during the day, we remain unperturbed. But having a consistently calm state of mind is difficult to achieve.
The problem is that it is hard to react calmly to rude behavior. It is challenging to not have your blood pressure go up when faced with an unexpected problem. But realize that a calm mind isn’t something that we simply possess naturally. Rather, it is a state of mind that we have to develop over time and through practice.
Below are some ways to learn to develop that elusive, calm state of mind. Try these approaches, and see yourself becoming calmer, happier and more at peace.
Develop a Healthy Detachment
Often, we are anxious because we want to control situations that are outside of our control. For instance, we may worry and say, “How can I make sure that I get this job?” Or, “How can I make this relationship work?”
Unfortunately, so many things in life are outside of our control. We can’t control other people. We can’t control the weather or the economy. All we can control is ourselves, and how we conduct ourselves.
So, to have a calm, non-anxious mind, you have to develop a healthy detachment to those things that you can’t control. As an example, I once had a supervisor who could be very rude. Initially, her behavior would upset me. I’m by nature a polite person, and I wasn’t sure how to respond to her behavior.
But at a certain point, I just stopped worrying about her behavior. I realized that her rudeness was her issue, and it had nothing to do with me. I then developed a healthy detachment to the situation. It just stopped mattering to me. And that allowed me to maintain my calm state of mind.
My being detached didn’t mean that I bore my supervisor any ill will. I wasn’t annoyed with her. From my detached perspective, she was part of my job. And my job was just that – a job. It was a place to make money, and nothing more. And whether my supervisor was polite or rude to me was irrelevant. My only task was to go to work each day and do the best job possible.
So, develop a healthy detachment to those things that are outside of your control. Do your best in all things. But don’t struggle and try to control situations over which you have no control. In that way, you can be calm, no matter what happens in life.
Learn the Art of Distraction
Often, our minds aren’t calm because we choose to obsess over our problems. First, an issue presents itself to us. For instance, maybe our employer has started laying off employees. Or we received a bad health report. And we do the least productive thing possible – we worry.
It has been said that worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. You do a lot of work and go nowhere. Worrying is not only unproductive, it prevents us from having a calm state of mind.
To combat the worry habit, you have to stop worrying dead in its tracks. And that means mastering the Art of Distraction. So, when you first feel that bubble of worry, immediately find a way to think about something completely different.
For some folks, a good distraction may be to watch a light-hearted sitcom. And for others, it may mean to sit down and read an engrossing novel. For you, it may mean going out in the yard to tend to your garden.
The key is to stop thinking about what is bothering you, and to do something that is calming. Now, you may think that this approach is a recipe for avoidance. It isn’t. It’s a way to not worry. Then, once you’ve had a break from your problem, you then can return and think about it with a clear, calm mind. And that is the best place from which to address any issue in your life.
So, when confronted with an issue that upsets you or raises your blood pressure, immediately stop and find a distraction. Find something calming or amusing to think about. Don’t spend a minute worrying or fretting. Then, when your mind is in a calm state, go back and re-consider the problem. You’ll find that a clear head may help you realize that the problem wasn’t as bad as you originally thought. And a calm mind will allow you to reach the wisest solution.
Commit to Never Arguing
If there is one thing that I’ve learned over the years, it is this: Arguing is a waste of time. And it is the enemy of the calm mind.
Now, I’ll agree that if someone does something or says something that you disagree with, there is nothing wrong with calmly telling them that. But understand that the other person then can do with that information what he or she pleases. He or she may change his or her point of view or behavior as a result of your complaint. Or that person may not. But arguing never changes anyone’s mind. Arguing with people only further entrenches them in their position.
Realize that all arguments stem from the same problem: You and the other person don’t share the same values. That isn’t something that you can fix by arguing, yelling or debating. It took me many years, and a lot of aggravation, to grasp that fact.
For example, I happen to value peace. I like living in a quiet, peaceful home. I want to have peaceful relationships with others. I’m not interested in arguing. And I don’t have any desire to change other people or to get other folks to agree with me. As far as I’m concerned, in a perfect world, as long as we treat each other with respect, kindness and gentleness, then “live and let live,” as they say.
But I’ve found that some people don’t value peace like I do. Instead, they value conformity. These folks are uncomfortable with differing points of view and different ways of doing things. They find differences to be threatening. So, they will debate and argue in an effort to get others to agree with them and to march to the beat of their drum. Peace is very far down on their list of values.
The key to having a calm mind is to accept the fact that we all don’t value the same things. And then to forgo arguing. That is a hard pill for many people to swallow. Most people think that they can save their marriages, family relationships and friendships by arguing. You can’t. Arguing only destroys those relationships further. Worse yet, it causes you to have an unsettled mind.
So, choose not to argue. Instead, make your peace of mind your top priority. Then enjoy the relationships that you have that are positive. And let the bad relationships fall be the wayside. And don’t feel guilty about that. Life is far too short to deal with people who prevent you from having a calm mind.
If you are seeking to develop a calm mind, follow the approaches above. The calmer your mind, the more at peace you will be – no matter what comes your way. (To read about ways to find inner peace, click here.)
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