How to Be Your Authentic Self

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We live in a world that loves conformity.  If you dress just like everyone else, you are considered to be “fashionable.”  Folks who hold the same world views as everyone else are called “reasonable.”  And “success” is defined as having a spouse, a house, a dog and 2.5 kids.  Admittedly, it can be hard to be your authentic self in a world that rewards uniformity.

Of course, you can simply conform to the world’s standards and forget about your authentic self.  You can dress like your friends.  And you can follow the career path which will make your parents happy.  You can act, think and do all the things that make your spouse, family, friends and society view you as acceptable.

But here’s the problem: You’ll be miserable.

That is because while you are conforming to society’s standards of beauty and success to make your life socially easier, you’ll be dying inside.  Instead, if you want to be truly happy, you need to be brave enough to be your authentic self.

Below are steps that you can take to be your authentic self in a world that may not reward you for it.  Be your authentic self anyway.  I promise you that it will be worth it!

How Do I Know That I Am Not Being My Authentic Self?

You may wonder what it means to be your authentic self.  Being your authentic self means living a life that matches your interests.  And it means conducting yourself in a way that matches your values.  In short, to be your authentic self, you have to learn to march to the beat of your own drum.

Now, admittedly, when we are young, we are just trying to figure life out.  We’re asking ourselves the questions, “Who am I?  What kind of person do I want to be?  Do I have certain natural interests?  What do I want to do for a career?”  Admittedly, those younger years are a period of struggle.  We are struggling to figure out who we are, while at the same time we are trying to fit in socially.

But at a certain point, fitting in socially starts to become unimportant.  That is because as we mature, we crave being our authentic selves more than we crave being popular.

For example, at a certain point in my 30s, I realized that I wasn’t being my authentic self.  The only aspect of my life that was “authentic” was the time that I spent being a mother.  I loved coloring with my daughter, reading books to her, and taking her to the park.  In those moments, I felt truly alive.

But other aspects of my authentic self were dormant.  I no longer went to church, which had been a large part of my life through my 20s.  Spending a weekend simply reading and reflecting (something I craved) was no longer a possibility due to family and social obligations.   And although I had spent years studying flute and voice, I no longer took music lessons.  I thought spending time and money that way would be selfish.  Instead, I mistakenly believed that I should be spending all my time doing things for others. 

Because these aspects of my authentic self were dormant, I felt uneasy.  My life didn’t feel “right.”  And that is how you’ll know if you aren’t being your authentic self.  Something about your life won’t feel “right.”    

Once you’ve identified that “not right” feeling, you then have to dig down and figure out what’s missing.  Because discovering your authentic self will take some time and reflection.

How Do I Discover My Authentic Self?

If you’ve been pulled in a multitude of directions over the years by your family, friends or spouse, or all three (!), then you may be wondering, “What does my authentic self look like?”  To figure that out, you first need to discover your natural interests.

The best way to learn what it is that truly interests you is to ask yourself this question: “If I had two days alone with no tasks or obligations, and if there were no television or Internet, what would I do?”  Now, if you work a lot of hours, your answer may be, “Well, I’d sleep!”  But after you’ve had a good nap, then what would you do?

If your authentic self has been buried for a long time, you very well may not know the answer to that question.  That’s OK.  Now is the time to start figuring out who you really are, and what you really enjoy! 

You might consider what gave you joy when you were younger.  Did you love playing tennis?  Were you a fan of science fiction books?  Did you enjoy sewing, cooking, knitting or painting? The things that gave you joy in your younger years are a good clue as to what authentically interests you.

When discovering your authentic self, you also want to decide how you feel about yourself and your place in the world.  Often, we lose track of our authentic selves because we adopt the ideas of those around us, rather than having our own points of view.  Of course, as children, that’s understandable.  Typically, children adopt the viewpoints of their parents, since those are the views that they hear most often. 

However, as we mature, our ideas about the world should evolve.  We shouldn’t be simply parroting our parents.  Instead, we should be determining our own views on issues of morality, spirituality, personal ethics, etc.

So, as you try to discover your authentic self, it helps to consider some of the tougher moral issues.  Your position on those issues reflects who you are.  For instance, what do you think your responsibility is to the poor and abused in this world?  When someone hurts you, do you believe in an “eye for an eye,” or do you believe in “turning the other cheek?”    Do you have a personal responsibility to care for the earth and its animals?  Those aren’t simple questions.  But your answers to them define who you are.

So, the key to discovering your authentic self is to do some soul searching.  You have to take the time to figure out what activities give you joy and contentment.  And you have to figure out how you view the world and your place in it. 

Being Your Unique Self in a World of Conformists

Unfortunately, we all have to strike a balance between being our authentic selves, and conforming, to a certain extent, to social norms.  That is because we aren’t hermits.  We have to work, socialize and survive in society. 

For example, if you want certain jobs, you can’t just dress in any manner that feels good to you.  You have to dress in a manner that is considered to be “professional.”  And professional attire is rather cookie cutter.   And if you want to attract a mate, meeting society’s standards of beauty and handsomeness helps – a lot! 

I’d like to say that you can just march to the beat of your own drum and be wildly successful, both personally and professionally.  You can, of course.  But it’s a tough row to hoe. 

So, being your authentic self isn’t about doing everything “your way” and ignoring social norms.  Rather, it’s about pursuing your interests and staying true to your morals and ethics while functioning within society.

For instance, let’s say that your authentic self is an artist.  Painting and drawing are what you love to do.  Those activities feed your soul.  Well, you can have a very traditional job as a school teacher or banker during the week.  And then, you can devote your free time to your art.

Or, perhaps your authentic self is an environmentalist.  You can be a librarian by day and volunteer for an organization that works to preserve the environment in the evenings and on the weekends. 

The reality is that there are practicalities to life.  We have to work to pay bills, and our jobs require a certain level of conformity.  But realize that our jobs take up about 8 hours of the day, five days a week.  That leaves us with 72 remaining waking hours during the rest of the week, and we have the freedom to do what we want with those hours.  And how we spend them should be a reflection of our authentic selves.

Being your authentic self in a highly conformist world is challenging – but doable!  Consider the approaches above to discover your authentic self, and live a life that reflects who you truly are.