How to Use Life’s Unfairness to Become A Wiser Person

Life can be unfair.  Admittedly, for some people, and certainly for many animals, life can be profoundly unfair.  But even for those of us who have been relatively blessed by life, we still can face unfair situations, from time to time.  So, it’s important to learn how to effectively respond to life’s unfairness.

Unfortunately, some people respond to the unfairness of life ineffectively.  They respond by becoming angry and bitter.  They conclude that everyone else in the world has had it easy, except for them.  And so, they choose to become difficult, grouchy individuals.

Others respond by becoming bullies.  They decide that if the world is going to be unfair, then they’re going to be unfair too!  So, they pick on those who are weaker or defenseless. 

But all of those responses are the wrong responses to life’s unfairness.  Instead, your goal should be to use life’s unfairness to your advantage.  You want to use those negative experiences to become a far better human being.

Below are ways to use the unfairness of life to become a wiser, more insightful human being.

Use Unfair Experiences to Learn to Accept Life as It Is

When my daughter was small, and something unfair happened, I’d say, “Well, life is unfair sometimes.”  And her response always was, “Life is only unfair because other people make it so.”  Truer words have not been spoken.

But the truth of the matter is that we were both right.  Life is unfair.  And yes, it doesn’t have to be that way.  But it is.  And wise people understand that fact. 

Wisdom means accepting that unfair situations are part of the human experience.  And railing against that fact isn’t productive. Instead, what is productive is to try to be a gentle, kind and fair person yourself! 

For instance, I know that the only person who I truly have control over in this life is me!  So, I work very hard to be as considerate and responsible as possible.  And I work hard to treat others fairly and respectfully. In an unfair world, that’s all I can do.

Realize that you can’t control the unfairness of the world.  That’s a fact that we all have to accept.  But while we can’t control or eliminate unfairness, we can counteract it!  Each of us can operate in a way that makes our small part of the world a far better place.   

Practice Gratitude

The interesting thing about life is that it’s rarely all bad or all good.  In life, we have both good stuff and bad stuff going on at any given moment in time.

As a result, wise people understand that even in the midst of unfairness, stress and difficulty, there still are things for which we can be grateful.  And that makes the unfairness or difficulties that we face in life much easier to handle. 

In my own life, during periods of high stress, I’ve intentionally tried to practice gratitude as a way to manage that stress.  For instance, many years ago, my husband was hospitalized for over a month.  It was a difficult time. 

But during that time, I chose to be grateful. Even though my husband was hospitalized, I realized that there were a lot of good things going on in my life, as well. I had incredible friends who provided me with so much support.  I also had a good job.  And I had a wonderful daughter.  My list of blessings went on and on.

The challenge is that when bad, unfair things happen, our natural instinct is to solely focus on the bad, unfair thing that happened.  But to face unfair situations wisely, you have to balance your attention.  On the one hand, you need to process your feelings of frustration and disappointment over the unfair thing that happened. But on the other hand, you also have to be grateful for all the good in your life, as well.  And that gratitude will allow you to more wisely handle any unfair situation.

Use Unfair Situations to Develop Your Emotional Maturity

When we face unfair situations, we learn a lot about ourselves.  How you react to unfairness shows a lot about your emotional maturity.  And your wisdom.

Often when folks encounter unfairness, they rail against the situation.  Now, I’ll concede that some initial railing is understandable.  When we face unfairness in life, it offends our sense of how the world should be. 

But after some initial railing, wisdom requires us to take a step back.  And then we have to ask ourselves, “How do I best handle this situation?”  Sometimes it makes sense to confront the person who has acted unfairly.  And sometimes, we just have to ignore the unfairness that has occurred.

Oftentimes, if I experience something unfair, I just ignore it.  Why?  Well, largely because I figured out a long time ago that I can’t correct other people.  I’m well aware that if people behave in an unfair manner, there isn’t much I can do.  So, I’ve decided not to waste my time trying to correct or change others.

What I’ve also learned about life is this: If I ignore unfair situations and just go on with my business, invariably the universe will find a way to make me whole again.  I’ve found that if I just give the situation some time, I end up being blessed in some exceptional way. 

So, when facing an unfair situation, use that situation as an opportunity to develop your patience.  If you choose to respond in a quiet, emotionally mature manner, life often will reward you in ways that you could not anticipate.

Channel Your Energy Toward Positive Actions

Typically, our first response to unfair situations is anger.  We want to yell at whoever has been unfair.  But wise people know that yelling does not make the world a better place.  It just makes it a noisier place.

Instead, when faced with an unfair situation, the wisest thing that you can do is to channel your energy into doing something positive. That means focusing on what you can do to fix the situation.  And if you can’t fix the situation, then focusing your attention on ways to make the world a better place.  After all, we each have a responsibility to offset the unfairness in the world!

Realize that we can offset the unfairness of the world in all kinds of ways.  One way is to choose to be a highly respectful, kind individual.  Another way is to be generous with your resources.  And yet, another way is to care for those who are excluded in our world.

My daughter is someone who seeks to help the excluded.  She is completely disinterested in the folks who are deemed to be “popular” by society’s standards.  Instead, she is always on the lookout to help those who excluded by society.  For instance, during university, she has volunteered at a group home for foster children.  At the group home, she works tirelessly to bring fun and joy to children for whom life has been profoundly unfair.  They are kids who often aren’t included in society in all kinds of ways because they don’t live with their parents. 

Admittedly, the unfairness of life is frustrating.  When I think about victims of war, domestic violence, child abuse and animal abuse, I become very upset.  I detest the fact that some people in this world use their age, physical strength, money or position in society to hurt others.  But my being upset doesn’t make the world a better place.

Rather, what makes the world a better place is goodness.  It’s just that simple.  So, when you are facing unfair situations, don’t just be upset.  Instead, wisely channel your frustration in a positive direction. Choose to do good deeds and do your part to make the world a far more fair and better place.

Seek Support

When unfair things happen to us, it’s good to talk about it.  It helps to have someone say to you, “Yes, you’re right.  That was completely unfair.  You deserved far better.” 

Of course, hearing that doesn’t make the unfair situation go away.  But there’s value is simply having another person acknowledge that what you’ve experienced was wrong and unfair. 

Sadly, when people behave unfairly, they often don’t apologize.  Instead, they try to explain it away.  “I was in a bad mood, so I was unkind.”  “She upset me, so I had every right to behave poorly.”  “I wasn’t a terrible parent.  I just wasn’t a great parent.”  The excuses that people make for their poor and unfair behavior are endless.

So, if you’ve experienced unfairness, you likely aren’t going to get an apology from the person who treated you in an unfair manner. As a result, it helps to talk to people.  There’s cathartic value in having someone else acknowledge that what has happened to you wasn’t right.  Frankly, it doesn’t matter who that person is.  It could be a friend, family member or a counselor. 

When we have someone else acknowledge the unfairness of our situation, that helps us to accept it, and then to move forward. 

Life can be unfair.  There’s no way to avoid that fact.  But when approached correctly, we can use the unfairness of life to grow as individuals.  Consider adopting the approaches above to use any unfair situations that you may face in life to become a wiser, more emotionally mature person. (To read more about ways to become a wiser person, click here.)