How to Stop Taking Things Personally

One of the main reasons why we suffer emotional distress in life is that we make the mistake of taking things personally. We may mistakenly think that when someone is rude or cruel to us that we somehow caused the behavior. Or we may incorrectly think that how another person treats us is a reflection of our self-worth. To be happy, we have to stop this wrong-headed thinking. In short, we have to stop taking things personally.

For example, let’s say that someone tells you that you are stupid. Those are just words coming out of someone’s mouth. They are an opinion. They aren’t a fact.

The problem is that when we believe a comment like “you are stupid,” we are treating an opinion as if it is an objective fact. However, opinions are just that – opinions. They don’t hold much value. Opinions merely reflect the attitude and manners of the person stating the opinion.

Or, let’s say that someone is unkind to you. Perhaps that person excludes you from a social gathering. That isn’t a reflection of your value as a human being. That simply shows that your friend has an unkind or ungenerous nature.

The problem is that when other people do things that are insensitive or unkind, we think that their behavior is about us. However, other people’s behavior is always about them.

When we stop taking things personally, we stop feeling hurt by the actions of others. Of course, those actions may be upsetting to us. But they need not affect how we view ourselves.

Below are ways to stop taking the actions of others personally. Apply them in your own life, and see your self-esteem increase and your relationships improve!

Develop Your Confidence

Often, we take the things that other people say and do personally because we lack confidence in ourselves. When we lack confidence, if someone criticizes us, then we mistakenly assume that that person must be right. So, if you want to stop taking things personally, it’s critical to develop confidence in yourself, including your appearance, skills and intellect.

The challenge is that the world can be an unkind place. People are very comfortable with insulting others. (Even some comedians make a sizable living merely by insulting other people. Their insults are considered to be “entertainment.”) So, you have to believe in yourself, no matter what negative commentary the world sends your way.

Realize that your confidence acts as Teflon against the rude or negative comments and behavior of others. When you are confident, someone can make an unkind, critical remark, and it just bounces right off you. The remark will have no effect on your self-esteem because you are confident in yourself, your appearance and abilities. That is because you know yourself. So, the other person’s commentary is just that – meaningless commentary.

So, develop your confidence so that you don’t take things personally. Instead, be protected by having a shield of confidence all around you. (To read about ways to boost your confidence, click here.)

Stop Taking Things Personally by Paying Attention to the Source

A good way to not take things personally is to consider the source of the behavior. This can be hard if the person is someone who has seniority over you. For instance, if your parent or boss makes an unkind comment, it can be hard to not take that comment personally. After all, that person is in a position of authority over you.

However, regardless of who is unkind to you, always evaluate the source. A parent who has not achieved all that they wanted in their own lives may be unfairly critical of their child. Criticizing their child is a way to make themselves feel better for their lack of accomplishment. A supervisor who feels threatened by the skills of a subordinate may try to put that person “in their place” by insulting them. In that way, the supervisor can convince themselves that he or she is still superior to their underling.

So, if someone is unkind to you, instead of taking their behavior personally, consider the source. That person’s bad behavior is likely due to the fact that her or she is grappling with his or her own insecurities or emotional immaturity. Their behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are just the unfortunate recipient of their bad behavior.

Ignore the Behavior of Others and Be a Force for Good

I like to challenge myself whenever people are rude or unkind. My challenge is to hold true to my values, no matter what anyone says or does to me. So, if other people are doing or saying things that are unkind or unfair, I don’t take their behavior personally. That is because I’m not worried about their behavior, or what it means about my value as a person. Instead, I’m concerned about holding myself to the highest standard at all times, even when it is hard.

The key whenever you are dealing with bad behavior is to (1) ignore the bad behavior, and then (2) shift the focus back to yourself. Your thoughts shouldn’t be on the bad thing the other person said or did. Rather, your thoughts should be focused on how you can handle the situation in a way that you can be proud of.

For example, let’s say that you have a family member who insults you at the dinner table. Perhaps they criticize your intellect or appearance. In that moment, you have two choices. You can take the comment personally and believe it. And then you may fire back with an equally nasty insult. Or, you may say nothing, but you allow that comment to eat away at your self-esteem. Neither approach feels very good.

But what if you instead simply ignore the comment? And then you decide to take the high road and change the subject. Or you simply don’t respond to the comment and allow for some uncomfortable silence. In that scenario, you’ve lived up to your high standards. You’ve chosen to be patient, even when someone around you is being unpleasant. And that is the true sign of emotional maturity!

Let Others Be Responsible for Their Own Behavior

When people behave in a deplorable manner, they often blame others for their behavior, instead of taking ownership of their actions. For instance, alcoholics will tell their friends or family members, “Well, I drink because of you.” Which, of course, is nonsense. Alcoholics abuse alcohol because they choose to abuse alcohol. The behavior of others is neither here nor there.

When we take things personally, we stop making others responsible for their own behavior. Instead, we agree to be the scapegoat for their unkind, unethical or immoral behavior. We blame ourselves because someone is acting badly, instead of placing the blame squarely where it belongs – with the other person.

So, if you don’t want to take things personally, you have to be on the alert for scapegoating. If you hear the following phrases, bells should go off. “I was mean because you upset me.” Or, “Your behavior is making me do X.” Phrases like those are ways that people try to shift the responsibility for their behavior on to you. Don’t buy what they are selling!

Instead, choose not to take the behavior of others personally. Choose to let other people be responsible for their own behavior. And then take responsibility solely for your own behavior!

If you want to stop taking things personally, consider following the approaches above. You’ll find that if you stop concerning yourself with the comments and actions of others, your self-esteem will increase, and you’ll go through your days at peace with yourself and the world. (To read about how to stop seeking validation from others, click here.) (To read about the power of taking responsibility, click here.)