How to Become a More Reasonable Person

We all want to be reasonable.  After all, it’s hard to be successful in life if you chronically do and say unreasonable things.  Now, of course, to be a reasonable person, you first have to know what it means to be reasonable. Admittedly, that’s hard to define.  But here are some of the basic qualities of reasonable people:

• Reasonable people don’t insist that others share their political or religious views.   
• They are comfortable with the fact that their family members, friends and even society may live their lives differently from them and may make choices that they simply would not make.
• They take full responsibility for their own happiness, and they give others the space to do what they need to do to be happy.

In short, being reasonable really is about respecting others and not demanding that other folks march to the beat of your drum.

Now, I’ll concede that you can go through life being unreasonable.  You can try to get everyone to do things your way.  You can run around being annoyed if other people don’t see political, religious and social issues the way that you do.  And you can pitch all kinds of fits and tantrums because other people aren’t doing the things that you want them to do.  In short, there’s no law prohibiting you from being a pain in the neck.

But here’s your problem.  Someday you will die.  That’s the one unavoidable fact that every human being must face.  Life is finite.  And the question you have to ask yourself is this: “Over the course of my life, do I want my impact on others to have been, on balance, positive or negative?” 

The reality is that if you’re an unreasonable person, your impact, for the most part, will be negative.  If you go through life being difficult, noisily shouting your opinions, and demanding that everyone does things your way, the world will not be better for your having been in it.

What the world needs are more reasonable people.

So, if you want to have a positive impact on this earth, become a more reasonable person!  To do so, consider adopting some of the approaches below.  Choose be a reasonable person and a blessing to all!

Cultivate Open-Mindedness

We all make assumptions about the world.  And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Some of our reasonable assumptions keep us safe.  For instance, if I see someone walking down the street with a gun, I’ll assume that person is potentially dangerous.  That may not be true, but that’s a reasonable assumption on my part that may prevent me from getting hurt.

But the problem is that we also can have unreasonable assumptions.  For example, some folks assume that if someone has a different skin color, that person is unsafe.  Others assume that if someone is a certain gender, that individual can’t do particular jobs. 

Where do we get these unreasonable assumptions?  Well, they may come from our parents.  Or they may come from our peers.  And sadly, some of those unreasonable assumptions are touted by our political leaders. 

The problem is that our unreasonable assumptions don’t help us.  Instead, they lead us to think unclearly about the world, and to treat others in an unfair manner.

The key to being reasonable is to recognize when we have unreasonable assumptions.  And then when we realize that our assumptions are unreasonable, we have to have to be flexible enough to change our minds. 

For instance, over time, many societies have changed their views on the role of women.  There was a time in U.S. history when women didn’t have the right to vote.  In addition, women were excluded from certain professions.  But as history progressed, folks figured out that those views were unreasonable.  And society then collectively agreed to accord women equal rights to men because that was reasonable.

If you are seeking to become more reasonable, the key is to become open-minded.  Realize that some of the ideas that you currently hold near and dear may be dead wrong.  And then be willing to have your views evolve as needed.

Stop Being Argumentative

One of the hallmarks of youth is to be overly argumentative.  However, as we mature, we stop arguing all the time because we realize that most issues are not black and white.  Instead, we learn that most (not all, but most) issues have some shades of gray.  That realization leads us to be less argumentative and more thoughtful in how we discuss controversial issues with others.

So, part of becoming a reasonable, emotionally mature person is to stop arguing.  Ranting and carrying on is not how mature people conduct themselves.  Instead, reasonable, mature people communicate with a level of reserve about serious issues.  Or, they may choose to not discuss those issues at all!

For instance, many people will tell you that you can discuss any matter with others, as long as you do it respectfully.  Frankly, I disagree with that.  After a great deal of life experience, I now can say that the wisest thing that you can do in life is to avoid discussing certain issues with other people.  For example, politics, religion, and social issues are all topics better left undiscussed with your friends and family members. 

Now, you may say, “Well, what if I really care about a certain political issue?”  This is what you can do with any political issue that gets you fired up: Vote your conscience.  And that is all. 

The same holds true with respect to religion.  If you happen to get jazzed up about religion, here’s what you can do: Practice the religion of your choice.  And don’t bother other folks who want to practice their particular religion.

I could go on, but you get my point.  Reasonable people don’t argue or debate.  Rather, they mind their own business.  They follow their own ethics, and they let other people follow their ethics.  And they don’t run around demanding that other folks see things their way.

So, if you want to operate reasonably, stop arguing.  Know what topics are appropriate to discuss and which ones aren’t.  And keep your conversations pleasant and respectful!

Stay Calm and Composed

We often become unreasonable when we allow our emotions to influence our thinking.  Realize that our emotions don’t provide us with clarity on any issue.  Rather, we achieve clarity and reasonableness from a calm state of mind.

The good news is that a calm state of mind is achievable!  In order to be a calm, clear thinker, you have to develop what I call “The Still Pond Mind.”  To understand this concept, consider a still pond.  You can throw in a pebble, and there may be a momentary ripple.  But then the pond returns to its calm state. 

In the same way, we want to train our minds to be like a still pond.  So, if life tosses at you a frustration or irritation, with a Still Pond Mind, you may be momentarily perturbed.  But after that initial reaction, your mind will return to that still, composed state.

I will concede The Still Pond Mind is hard to achieve!  It’s hard when our emotions have been triggered to switch course and resume being calm and composed.  But that’s the goal.  Because when we are calm and composed, we can think clearly and respond to situations reasonably.

One effective way to achieve the Still Pond Mind is to practice meditation.  When we meditate, we stop thinking about the past, and we stop fretting about the future.  Instead, we just focus on the present moment. 

Some folks meditate by taking the time to sit still and simply focus on their breath.  Others meditate by walking in nature.  They tune into the sights, sounds, and smells around them.  No matter which approach you take, the key is to spend time focusing solely on the present moment.  Doing so allows us to calm our minds.

The benefit of meditation is that the more often you calm your mind, the more your mind wants to be in that calm state!  Meditation, in effect, trains your brain to desire to be in a calm state.  As a result, when you are faced with a stressful situation, you may initially be upset.  But then your brain will want to revert to that calm state.  Because that’s where you brain wants to be.

It’s from that calm and composed state that we are able think clearly and act reasonably.  When we are calm, we can respond to people and situations without extreme emotionalism.   Instead, we can choose to respond in the wisest, kindest and most reasonable manner.

Embrace Humility

Part of being a reasonable person is grasping the fact that you aren’t always going to be right.  After all, we all say things on occasion that we later realize were incorrect.  And we all occasionally do things that are unwise.  We are human beings, after all.  And therefore, we are fallible.

Reasonable people grasp their own fallibility.  And they are humble enough to acknowledge when they’ve been wrong. 

Sadly, I’ve known people over the years who lack humility.  As a result, they are unable to say two simple words: I’m sorry.  I’ve also known folks who are unable to say three simple words: I was wrong.

If you can’t quickly and easily say, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” then you lack humility.  And humility is one of the most important qualities that you can possess.

Humility is what allows you to operate as a reasonable person.  It allows you to apologize when you’ve said something unkind, or when you’ve done something thoughtless. 

To be fair, there’s nothing wrong with being an unreasonable person and to lack humility.  There are no laws against being unreasonable or arrogant.  But you will ruin your life by doing so.

I know people whose marriages have failed because one spouse lacked the humility to say, “I’m sorry.  What I said (or did) was wrong.”  Similarly, I know parents who no longer have relationships with their children because someone lacked the humility to say, “I’m so sorry.  What I said (or did) was wrong.” 

The reality is that you can’t have good relationships with other people if you refuse to own up to it when you’ve been wrong.  Reasonable people grasp this fact.  They grasp their own imperfection, and they are readily willing to admit when they’ve erred.

If you are seeking to become a more reasonable person, consider following the steps above.  When we operate reasonably, it is so much easier to navigate life.  Our relationships run more smoothly, and we generally have a much better life! (To read about how to become a wiser person, click here.)