Letting Go of Your Attachments

“The root of suffering is attachment.” – The Buddha

The older I get, the more I understand the Buddha’s statement regarding attachment. Without a doubt, attachment is what has created the most suffering in my life. My attachment to things or people or even outcomes, at times, has led me to be unhappy, for no good reason.

The problem is that attachment creates an “if/then” way of viewing the world. If this certain thing happens, then I will be happy. Making our happiness contingent on having certain things or people in our lives, or having certain outcomes, is a recipe for disaster. That is because so much of life is out of our control.

To achieve true happiness, we need to let go of our attachments. Our happiness should not be contingent on anything. The world can go to chaos around us, and we should be happy regardless.

Below are some ways to release your attachments and get on the path to true happiness.

Release Your Attachment to Things

I didn’t grow up with a lot of stuff. My childhood home had 4 rooms (2 small bedrooms, a living room and a tiny kitchen). My parents had one older, dilapidated car. I remember being in 6^th grade and having two sweaters which I wore on alternate days through the whole winter. Looking back, it was a very sparse existence.

So, when I grew older, having stuff became important to me. As soon as I started working at 16, I began buying my own clothes. And ultimately when I entered the professional world, I owned a closet full of beautiful suits.

These days, my husband and I share a walk-in closet that is the size of my childhood bedroom. I live in a pretty house, and we drive luxury cars. I will admit it. Finally having stuff is nice.

But while I enjoy having nice things, frankly, I’m not attached to them. If the things in my house were lost or destroyed, it would not upset me. Stuff is replaceable. Or not.

That is because when it comes down to it, your stuff doesn’t make you happy. Owning stuff makes life pleasant and easier. So, I don’t go shopping with the idea that whatever I purchase will make me happy. Of course, it is momentarily fun to buy something new. But I feel no attachment to what I purchase because none of it provides lasting happiness.

The things that make us happy are intangible. And unfortunately, you can’t buy them at a store. Good relationships. The freedom to live your life as you see fit. The time to experience the beauty of nature. Those are things that make us happy. The quote by Oscar Wilde sums it up best: “With freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?”

Releasing Our Attachment to People

It is easy to become attached to people. I will admit that I am very attached to my husband and daughter. My daughter will leave for college next year, and the idea of not seeing her every day is very difficult for me. I will suffer next September!

Our attachment to other human beings creates a great deal of suffering. We love them and want them near us. I am not sure how to release that kind of attachment.

But there is another kind of attachment in our relationships that we should release. That is our attachment to have other people act and think in a certain way. We cannot control other people, and being attached to having them operate in a particular way is destructive.

The Mistake of If/Then Thinking

This mistake often happens in our most intimate relationships. For example, many years ago, I was in a romantic relationship in which I did a lot of “if/then” thinking. I thought, “If he is nice to me, then I will be happy.” “If he behaves in a loving and committed manner toward me, then I will be happy.” It was an utterly pointless way to live.

My attachment to having this person treat me in a certain way controlled my happiness. I shudder to think about how many days of my life were wasted being sad because I was attached to having another person treat me in a certain way.

Being attached to having another person love you or be good to you is a complete waste of time. Release that attachment. Realize that you cannot control how other people treat you. So, if someone loves you and is kind to you, great. If that person doesn’t love you or is unkind to you, then release that person from your life. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to get someone to be good to you. Instead, focus your energy on the folks in your life who love you and are good to you today.

Releasing Our Attachment to Outcomes

We often engage in “if/then” thinking with regard to outcomes. “If I get this job, then I will be happy.” Or we may think, “If I can have a baby, then I will be happy.” We may believe, “If I can marry the man/woman of my dreams, then I will be happy. ” It is easy to become attached to certain outcomes.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always go according to plan. However, that doesn’t mean that life is bad. It just means that it may not end up being what you envisioned. You need to let go of your attachment to what you thought your life should be like, so that you can enjoy the life that you actually have.

I honestly can say that none of my life has gone according to plan. I did not plan to get divorced. Nor did I plan to have to have an interrupted career path. I also didn’t plan to have to move all over the world (I thought I would be a New Yorker forever). But life doesn’t always go according to plan.

Appreciate Life As It Is

However, being attached to what I thought my life should be is a waste of time. It didn’t work out that way, and there is nothing that I can do about it. On the flip side, I’ve had so many wonderful, unexpected surprises in life. I’ve been blessed with an incredible daughter. Parenting her fundamentally has changed me for the better. It truly has been the most rewarding experience of my life. She is my greatest joy.

I also have been surprised with a wonderful second marriage. And even though my career hasn’t followed the path that I would have chosen, my work has exposed me to people from a variety of cultural and economic backgrounds.

So, I am not attached to the plans that I originally set for my life. I don’t live in disappointment. Instead, I appreciate the blessings that I have been given along this incredible journey.

We all have hopes about how our lives will turn out. We have ideas about what we would like to own, who we would like to spend our time with, and what our careers will look like. And having hopes and goals is good. However, attachment to particular outcomes always leads to suffering. It is only when we can appreciate this moment, for what it is and for the good things that we have, that we can truly achieve happiness. (To read about finding happiness through loving others, click here.)