Many folks mistakenly worry that they aren’t smart enough. They incorrectly believe that being smart is the key to being successful. The problem with that belief is that there are a lot of unsuccessful people out there with very high IQs. Instead, the key to success, both professionally and personally, is to have a high emotional IQ.
Some people naturally have a high emotional IQ. They aren’t prone to arguing. They are by nature calm and don’t fly off the handle easily. And they can see issues from another person’s point of view.
However, even those folks who are blessed with a high emotional IQ will have areas that need improvement. After all, we all have emotional IQ weak spots. So, if you happen to struggle with your emotional IQ, know that you are not alone. Not one of us possesses a perfect emotional IQ.
The good news is that you can work at increasing your emotional IQ. Below are some ways to do just that. Consider applying these approaches in your own life, and see your personal and professional success increase!
Give Up Arguing, Debating and Correcting
If you want to increase your emotional IQ, start by making a commitment to never argue, debate or correct. I will admit that isn’t always easy. For instance, when I hear someone make a grammatical error, it sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. But I refrain from correcting other people’s grammar because it’s rude.
Similarly, I don’t argue about hot button issues like politics or religion. Frankly, I find debating those issues to be a waste of time. That is because I’ve spent many decades thinking about morality and bigger life issues. And at this point, no one is going to change my views on those matters. So, debating or arguing about those kinds of issues is pointless to me. Those arguments only will destroy my relationships with other people.
People with high emotional IQs choose to never argue with other people. That is because they are confident in themselves. Realize that if you truly are confident in yourself and your intellect, then everyone can disagree with you, and you won’t be bothered. Someone even can say right to your face, “You are stupid,” and the comment will go in one ear and out the other. Confident simply people don’t need validation from others.
So, if you want to increase your emotional IQ, then stop arguing, debating and correcting other people. Stop trying to force other people to agree with you. Instead, be confident in yourself, even if other folks don’t see the world exactly the way that you do.
Stop Having Emotional Outbursts
Believe it or not, toddlers aren’t the only people who have temper tantrums. Adults have them, as well. I’ve observed adults fly off the handle, get upset, and rant and rave. Those behaviors are the adult version of the toddler “meltdown.” And all of those behaviors show a low emotional IQ.
People with high emotional IQs have self-control. They don’t behave in a highly emotional manner simply because they are feeling highly emotional.
Realize that we all get irritated from time to time. That is just a natural part of the human experience. What differentiates the folks with high emotional IQs from those with low emotional IQs is how they handle the inevitable irritations of life.
Folks with low emotional IQs express every emotion that they have. So, if they are frustrated or upset, they’ll bark or yell at people. They’ll tell other people off without first pausing to think, “Is this response the best and most mature way to handle this situation?”
Of course, people with high emotional IQs feel the same emotions that the folks with low emotional IQs feel. They, on occasion, feel upset, irritated or angry. The difference is that people with high emotional IQs have self-control. So, they don’t act on a feeling simply because they are experiencing it. As a result, if an aggravating situation comes their way, they don’t react in haste. Instead, they pause, and respond to the situation in a way that is productive.
By far, the best way to develop your self-control is to pause when faced with a stressful situation. Realize that few situations in life require us to react immediately. Instead, in most instances, we have the ability to pause before responding. And pausing allows us to respond in a controlled, mature manner.
So, increase your emotional IQ by developing your self-control. Give up the bad habit of having emotional outbursts. Instead, pause. Take time to think before responding when you are feeling upset or angry. In that way, you can conduct yourself with calm and maturity in all situations.
Stop Blaming Others
We all make mistakes in life. I’ve made my share, and I’m sure you have too. And it is tempting to blame other people for our mistakes. After all, no one wants to admit that they screwed up their career, chose to misuse drugs or alcohol, or made the mistake of marrying the wrong person. It feels better to say, “Well, I made all these mistakes because I had a terrible father/mother/spouse/boss. And but for that person, I would never have made those mistakes, and I would have had a perfect life.”
People with high emotional IQs take responsibility for their lives and for their mistakes. Realize that once you become 18 years old, you are responsible for your life. And that means that every single thing that you do from that point forward is your choice. And if you make bad choices, they are your bad choices.
There is a saying that was popularized by President Truman which goes, “The buck stops here.” I love that saying. Because when it comes to your life, the buck stops with you. No one else.
For example, for years, I was frustrated because I had under-achieved professionally. I’d lived large parts of my life putting the needs of others before my career (as many women do). That was a choice that I’d made. And instead of owning that choice, I blamed everyone for the fact that I didn’t end up having the career that I wish I’d had.
Then one day, I realized that putting other people’s needs before my own needs had been my choice. I regretted that choice in certain ways. But the unavoidable truth was that the choice had been mine.
I will admit that it doesn’t feel great when you take responsibility your bad choices. You likely will have regrets. And you probably will be mad at yourself. But at least you’ll be mad at the right person!
So, if you want to be someone with a high emotional IQ, stop the blame game. Take responsibility for all your choices – the good ones and the bad ones.
Be Aware of Your Effect on Others
There are a lot of people who live inside a bubble called Me, Myself and I. They do and say whatever feels good to them, regardless of how their behavior affects others. In fact, I always am shocked by how many folks simply have no concern for how their behavior impacts other people.
Unfortunately, some people live solely inside their big, pumpkin heads. As a result, they find the feelings and needs of others to be a nuisance. Instead, their primary goal is to satisfy their own desires. And if other people support those desires, well, great! However, if other folks don’t support their needs and desires, then those folks are “bad,” or they are a “problem.” Oh my.
By contrast, people with high emotional IQs are highly attuned to how their behavior affects others. Whenever they do or say anything, they always are at the same time considering, “How will my words or actions impact this other person?”
If you want to be someone with a high emotional IQ, and if you want to have positive relationships with others, you need to continually be aware of how you are affecting other people. And then, you need to have the goal of affecting others positively.
I will admit that we can’t always have a positive effect on everyone. If there is one thing that I’ve learned in life, it’s that you can’t make everyone happy. People with high emotional IQs grasp that fact and realize that life is a balancing act. You are balancing your need to do what you need to do to be happy with your responsibility to not hurt or negatively impact others. It isn’t always easy!
So, to develop your emotional IQ, first be aware of your effect on others. Then try your best to have the most positive impact possible on those around you. That is a tall order, for sure, but that is one of the hallmarks of having a high emotional IQ.
If you are working on your emotional IQ, realize that you are not alone. We all have aspects of our emotional intelligence that we need to improve. Try following some of the approaches above, and see your emotional IQ increase and your relationships improve! (Click here to read about developing your emotional maturity.)
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